I get this question from parents all the time: "At what age can my child decide which parent to live with?"
Some people think the answer is 12. Others have heard 14 or 16. But in New Jersey, there isn't a specific age at which a child suddenly gets to decide which parent he or she wants to live with. The answer is more complicated than that.
New Jersey custody law allows a judge to consider a child's preference when the child is of sufficient age and has the ability to reason well enough to form an intelligent decision.
Notice what the law doesn't say. It doesn't say 12. It doesn't say 14. And it doesn't say that once a child reaches a particular birthday, the child gets to choose. Instead, the child's age, maturity and ability to explain the preference can all become important.
A thoughtful 16-year-old who can clearly explain why a particular living arrangement works better may be viewed very differently from a much younger child who simply says, "I want to live with Dad because he lets me stay up later." The reasons behind the preference matter.
No. Even when a child is old enough and mature enough for the court to consider the child's preference, that preference doesn't automatically determine the outcome.
New Jersey courts decide custody based upon the best interests of the child. A child's preference is one part of that analysis.
The court can also consider the child's relationship with each parent and siblings, the stability of each home, the child's needs and education, the parents' ability to communicate and cooperate, any history of domestic violence or child abuse, safety concerns, the amount and quality of time each parent has spent with the child and other relevant circumstances.
So an older child's wishes may become important. But the child doesn't become the judge.
Imagine that a teenager says she wants to live primarily with Mom because Mom's house is closer to school, most of her activities are nearby and the current schedule is interfering with school and extracurricular commitments.
Now imagine another teenager says he wants to live with Dad because Dad doesn't enforce a curfew and doesn't care whether homework gets done.
Those are both preferences. But they're not necessarily equally persuasive. That's why the court isn't simply counting which parent's name the child gives. The child's maturity and reasoning can be just as important as the preference itself.
This is where parents need to be careful. Don't repeatedly ask your child where he or she wants to live. Don't ask your child to choose between Mom and Dad. And don't try to convince your child that living with you would be better.
Custody disputes are difficult enough for children without making them feel responsible for deciding the outcome. If your child has expressed a genuine preference, tell your lawyer what was said and discuss the appropriate way to address it.
The goal should be to allow the child's legitimate concerns to be heard without turning the child into another participant in the parents' custody battle.
As children get older, their preferences can become increasingly significant as a practical matter. A mature teenager may have strong opinions about where to live, school, activities, friends and the amount of time spent in each parent's home.
That still doesn't create an automatic legal right for the teenager to rewrite the custody arrangement. But age and maturity can affect how much weight the child's preference receives as part of the overall best-interests analysis.
Every situation is different. That's why I would be very skeptical of anyone who tells you: "Once your child turns ___, your child gets to choose." That's simply not how New Jersey custody law works.
Once your child reaches adulthood, this becomes a different issue. A custody arrangement doesn't give parents the authority to dictate where an adult child must live. But don't confuse that with other family-law issues.
For example, turning 18 doesn't necessarily mean that a parent's child support obligation automatically ends. Child support and custody are separate legal questions.
So if you're dealing with an older teenager, don't assume that every legal issue involving that child automatically ends on the child's 18th birthday.
If your child is under 18, there is no specific age in New Jersey when the child automatically gets to choose which parent to live with. The child's preference may be considered when the child is sufficiently mature and capable of making a reasoned decision.
But that preference is only part of the larger question: What custody arrangement is in this child's best interests?
If you're trying to understand custody, parenting time and the other decisions involved in a New Jersey divorce, my free Divorce Smarter Course will help you understand the process before making important decisions.
Until next time,
Steve