With all the horror stories you hear about divorce, is there really such a thing as a "good divorce"?
Maybe "good" isn't the right word. Divorce is rarely easy. You're ending a marriage, dividing a financial life that may have taken decades to build, and, if you have children, figuring out how to continue raising them while living separate lives. But divorce does not have to become a war.
Over the years, I've met with thousands of people who were considering ending their marriages. Most of them have told me some version of the same thing: "I just want what's fair."
Every once in a while, however, someone comes into my office and tells me they want to "go for the jugular." That's usually a warning sign.
There are absolutely times in a divorce when you need to take a firm position. If your spouse is hiding money, refusing to provide financial information, interfering with your relationship with your children, violating court orders, or taking unreasonable positions, you may need to respond aggressively. But that's very different from trying to hurt your spouse simply because you're angry.
A good divorce lawyer should help you protect yourself. That doesn't necessarily mean escalating every disagreement, sending an angry letter every time your spouse says something offensive, or turning an issue that could have been resolved in a phone call into a court battle.
The goal is not to win every argument. The goal is to come out of your divorce with an outcome that protects the things that matter to you and allows you to move forward with your life.
Divorce involves important issues. Your home matters. Your retirement matters. Alimony matters. Custody and parenting time certainly matter. But not every disagreement deserves the same amount of time, money, and emotional energy.
I've seen people spend thousands of dollars fighting over something worth considerably less than the legal fees they incurred fighting about it. I've also seen people become so focused on proving a point that they lose sight of what resolving that point is actually going to accomplish. Before turning an issue into a major battle, ask yourself what a successful outcome would actually mean to you.
Some things are worth fighting for. Some aren't. Knowing the difference can save you an enormous amount of money and aggravation.
Trying to have an amicable divorce does not mean agreeing to whatever your spouse wants.
You still need to understand your rights. You still need complete financial information. You still need to understand what you're agreeing to before signing a settlement. And you should never accept an unreasonable arrangement simply because you want the divorce to be over.
You can be reasonable without being weak. In fact, some of the best divorce settlements come from people who understand where they need to stand firm and where compromise makes more sense.
When children are involved, there is another reason to keep unnecessary conflict under control. Your divorce will eventually end. Your relationship as parents won't.
There will be school events, graduations, birthdays, holidays, weddings, and countless other moments when both of you may be part of your children's lives.
Years ago, I heard someone describe a successful divorce as one that leaves two parents capable of dancing together at their child's wedding. I've always liked that image.
It doesn't mean you have to become friends with your former spouse. It means that when the divorce is over and enough time has passed, you haven't done so much damage to each other that you can no longer be in the same room for your child.
I think there can be. Not because divorce itself is good, and not because both people walk away getting everything they wanted.
A good divorce, if we want to call it that, is one where you protect yourself without creating unnecessary destruction. You make informed decisions. You compromise where compromise makes sense. You stand your ground where it matters. And eventually, you reach an outcome that allows both of you to move forward.
You don't have to like your spouse during the process. You don't even have to agree on very much. But if you can keep the ultimate goal in mind instead of trying to win every battle along the way, you have a much better chance of getting through your divorce without allowing it to consume the rest of your life.
If you're considering divorce in New Jersey and want to understand the process before deciding how to approach it, my free Divorce Smarter Course explains the major issues you'll face so you can make informed decisions from the beginning.
Until next time,
Steve