Maybe you've been thinking about separating for months. Maybe something happened last night and you're thinking: "That's it. I'm leaving." Before you pack a bag, move money, tell your spouse you're filing for divorce, or make another major decision, I want you to think about a few things.
I'm not suggesting that you stay in a marriage you want to leave. I'm suggesting that how you separate can matter. I've represented people who carefully prepared before separating, and I've represented people who made major decisions first and called a divorce lawyer afterward.
Whenever possible, I'd rather you understand the potential consequences before you act. Here are five things I think you should consider.
Before separating, learn as much as you reasonably can about your family's finances.
What do you and your spouse earn? What bank accounts do you have? Retirement accounts? Investment accounts? Credit cards? Mortgages? Loans? Businesses? Real estate? Life insurance? What does it actually cost to run your household each month?
If your spouse has traditionally handled most of the finances, you may not know the answers to all of these questions. That's okay. But now is the time to start learning.
Gather copies of financial records to which you are lawfully entitled and have access, including recent tax returns, bank statements, investment statements, retirement-account statements, mortgage information and other important financial documents.
Don't assume you'll remember everything later. And don't assume you'll always have the same convenient access to the records after you separate.
I frequently hear some version of this: "I can't take it anymore. I'm moving out tonight."
Sometimes leaving is absolutely necessary, particularly when someone's safety is at risk. But if there isn't an immediate safety issue, I generally want a client to understand the potential consequences before making that decision.
Where will the children live? Who will pay the mortgage? Who will pay the expenses on the second residence? What personal property are you leaving behind? What will the temporary parenting schedule look like? What happens if your spouse remains in the house for the next year while the divorce proceeds?
Moving out doesn't automatically mean you're giving up your ownership interest in the home. But it can create practical issues that may affect the divorce. Before you leave, understand what those issues may be in your situation.
If you have children, separation immediately creates practical questions.
Where will they sleep? Who will take them to school? What will weekends look like? How will holidays work? Who will handle activities, doctors' appointments and transportation?
New Jersey custody decisions focus on the best interests of the child, and the court considers a number of factors relating to the child and parents. So be careful about casually creating a parenting arrangement without thinking through its practical consequences.
Suppose you move out and start seeing your children every other weekend because you tell yourself: "It's only temporary."
Temporary arrangements don't necessarily determine the final custody result. But the routine your family establishes can become part of the factual history of the case. If custody or parenting time may become disputed, I'd rather discuss that with you before you establish a new arrangement than several months afterward.
Two households generally cost more than one. That's obvious, but people sometimes don't appreciate how quickly the financial reality of separation can become difficult.
If one spouse earns substantially more than the other, temporary support may also become an issue. New Jersey courts have authority during a pending matrimonial case to address issues involving support, custody and other appropriate temporary relief.
That doesn't mean you should assume a judge will immediately order your spouse to pay every expense you request. It means you should understand your financial needs and available resources before you create two households.
Make a realistic budget. Know what money is coming in. Know what is going out. And think about how you'll manage the transition.
You don't have to hire a divorce lawyer and file a complaint simply because you want legal advice. Sometimes the most valuable consultation happens before anything has happened.
That's when we can discuss questions such as:
Should I move out?
What financial documents should I gather?
Should I open a separate bank account?
What should I know about our joint accounts?
How might custody work?
Could alimony be an issue?
What happens to the house?
Should I talk to my spouse about mediation?
Is there anything I should not do before filing?
The answer to those questions depends on your particular circumstances. That's exactly why I'd rather discuss them with you before you make a major decision.
Meeting with a divorce lawyer doesn't commit you to getting divorced. Gathering your financial information doesn't commit you to getting divorced. Learning how custody, alimony and equitable distribution work doesn't commit you to getting divorced.
It simply gives you information. And if you ultimately decide to separate, you'll be making that decision with a much clearer understanding of what may happen next.
Separating from your spouse is personal. There's no way around that.
You may be angry. You may be scared. You may be relieved. You may feel all three within the same hour. But decisions involving your children, home, finances and future shouldn't be made solely because of what you're feeling on one particularly difficult day.
Get information. Understand your finances. Think about your children. Consider what happens with the house. Understand how you'll support two households. Then make your decisions.
If you're considering separation and want to understand what you should be thinking about before taking the next step, my free Divorce Smarter Course will walk you through the major issues involved in a New Jersey divorce.
Until next time,
Steve