A great number of my clients here in Monmouth County over the past 37 years have told me that their spouses are "toxic".
In my articles on how to divorce a narcissist (or other toxic spouse), I identify 10 ways that this type of person often behaves in a divorce case and what you should consider doing to counter those behaviors.
This article outlines the top 3.
But before I go there, let me tell you that what you should NEVER do if you are getting a divorce from a toxic spouse is say something to the judge like "my spouse is a narcissist!"
This rarely works and often backfires.
This is because Judges here in Monmouth County are not interested in hearing your "amateur- psychologist" diagnosis of your spouse.
The minute you say "my spouse is toxic" most judges will stop listening to you.
But you KNOW that your spouse is toxic.
After all, that is why you are getting a divorce.
So what to do?
Describe your spouse's BEHAVIOR to the judge, without using the word "toxic".
Like "Your Honor, my husband tells me what clothing I can wear and what clothing I cannot wear."
Bingo. The judge just HEARD "control freak. He's a narcissist."
Or "Judge, my husband just bought a $120,000.00 Mercedes yet we owe $92,000.00 in high-interest credit card debt."
Bingo again. The judge just heard "showy, flashy narcissist."
Or "Judge Smith, everyone loves my husband outside of our family. But during this trial, family members will tell you how manipulative, controlling, and deceitful he is when it comes to our relationship."
These words again will likely cause a judge to understand your spouse's toxic tendencies.
Judges are smart; let them connect the dots and draw the conclusion that they must be dealing with a narcissist or other "toxic" person.
Your job and that of your lawyer is to describe your spouse's BEHAVIOR, not to call your spouse names.
What follows is my list of 3 top destructive behaviors of the "typical" divorcing toxic people that I've encountered in my 37 years as a New Jersey Divorce Lawyer, and my best ways for you to counteract them.
Specifically, this article will teach you tools for countering your spouse's controlling behavior, lack of empathy, and efforts to manipulate you and the Court.
1. YOUR TOXIC SPOUSE IS PROBABLY A "CONTROL FREAK".
Is your spouse a "control freak"?
Divorcing a toxic spouse can be tough due to their controlling tactics during the process.
These tactics can be financial, emotional, legal, or parental.
Here are some tips to combat each type of control:
Financial Control: To protect yourself from your toxic spouse's efforts to control you financially, you can ask the Judge to freeze joint assets, you should document everything, you must hire a good divorce attorney, you should ask your attorney about closing joint accounts, and you must do all that you can to protect your credit rating.
Emotional Control: Set boundaries, seek support from a therapist who understands narcissistic personality disorder, focus on self-care, document everything, stay informed, and hire a divorce attorney who understands what it is like for a client to divorce a toxic spouse.
Legal Control: Keep good records, be prepared, avoid provocation, stay calm and focused, and be sure to always follow court orders.
Parental Control: Understand your legal rights, keep detailed records, communicate effectively, establish boundaries, seek support, and prioritize your children's best interests.
2. YOUR TOXIC SPOUSE LACKS EMPATHY
Having a toxic spouse can make negotiating difficult due to your spouse's limited empathy for your feelings and needs.
Your spouse may dismiss your emotions, blame you for everything, minimize your experiences, ignore your boundaries, prioritize his or her own needs, fail to acknowledge the impact on your children, and show no remorse for his or her behavior.
However, there are ways for you to negotiate and maintain your own well-being:
It is essential to remember that you cannot change your toxic spouse's behavior, but you CAN change your own response to it.
3. BEING MANIPULATED BY YOUR TOXIC SPOUSE
Narcissists and other toxic people use various tactics to manipulate others, such as charm, flattery, guilt, and intimidation.
During divorce, a toxic spouse may use these tactics to get what they want.
Examples include gaslighting to make you doubt yourself, blaming you for everything, triangulating by involving others to create drama, using threats to intimidate, portraying himself as the victim to gain sympathy, emotional blackmail, and financial manipulation.
I recommend 4 effective strategies that you can use to counteract your toxic spouse's manipulative tactics.
First, educating yourself on narcissism and its tactics is crucial to understanding and protecting yourself from your toxic spouse's influence.
Second, establishing clear and consistent boundaries, limiting communication, and avoiding face-to-face interactions with your toxic spouse can help you to regain control.
Third, avoiding engagement in your spouse's drama and remaining calm and rational can minimize his or her influence.
Finally, protecting yourself financially by consulting with a financial advisor or a knowledgeable NJ divorce attorney will ensure that your financial rights are protected.
By implementing these strategies, you can minimize the impact of your toxic spouse's manipulative tactics and regain your power and control.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Divorcing a toxic spouse is a challenging and emotionally draining experience.
But recognizing their controlling tactics, lack of empathy, and manipulation, and learning ways of successfully counteracting those negative behaviors by employing the solutions that I've give you in this article, is an effective way to neutralize your spouse's bad behavior.
What else can you do?
Stick around this website.
You'll find many useful suggestions for how to get the "edge" in your case against your narcissistic spouse.
THERE'S A LOT MORE FREE HELP WHERE THIS ARTICLE CAME FROM
If you are considering separating or filing for divorce from a toxic spouse, the most important thing for you to do before doing anything else is to learn how to protect yourself, your children, and your assets.
I've been a NJ divorce specialist for 37 years, and I've successfully represented many people against toxic spouses.
I "get it" and I'm here to help.
My free NJ DIVORCE COURSE will teach you how to turn your situation around to your advantage.
Getting a divorce from a toxic spouse will require you to make many important decisions.
Making a bad decision can be the difference between getting a good result and getting a bad result.
Getting "the edge" in your divorce case against a toxic spouse comes down to this: making the right decisions.
And every divorce case involving a toxic spouse is different.
So how can you best protect yourself?
My emails will teach you, in an easy to understand way, everything that you need to know to help you make the right decisions for you, based upon the specific facts of your case with your toxic spouse.
You will get my best articles on every divorce-related topic, both those that are specific to divorcing a narcissist as well as more general info related to getting a divorce here in New Jersey.
I get emails from strangers all the time thanking me for making this information available to them online at no cost.
I'm pretty certain that you, too, will get a lot of value from my emails.
And if you want to stop the emails, I made it really easy for you to do that...
One click on any email stops the course.
But few people do that...
Because the material is really helpful to anyone who is thinking about getting a divorce in New Jersey.
Are you ready to start turning things around?
The next move is up to you...!
Click any one of the blue links and begin learning how to get the "edge" in YOUR New Jersey divorce case against your toxic spouse.
Until next time,
Steve
Steven J. Kaplan, Esq.
Specializing In Divorce
In Monmouth County
5 Professional Circle
Colts Neck, NJ. 07722
(732) 845-9010