If you're thinking about divorcing an abusive spouse, your first concern may not be property, alimony, or even the divorce itself. It may simply be: "How do I protect myself and my children?"
Abuse can take many forms, including physical violence, threats, harassment, intimidation, controlling behavior, and other conduct. And when abuse is part of a marriage, the way you approach a divorce may need to be different.
If you're experiencing domestic violence, you may be able to seek a restraining order in New Jersey. Depending on the circumstances, a restraining order can prohibit your spouse from contacting you, coming to your home or workplace, threatening or harassing you, or engaging in other prohibited conduct.
A court may also address immediate issues involving your home, children, financial support, and parenting time. You don't necessarily have to wait until your divorce is completed to seek protection.
If your spouse's behavior creates a legitimate safety concern for your children, tell your attorney immediately. Domestic violence and child safety can affect custody and parenting-time decisions.
Depending on the facts, a court may consider temporary custody arrangements, restrictions on parenting time, or supervised parenting time. The focus should be on protecting the child, not using allegations of abuse as leverage in a custody dispute.
If it is safe for you to do so, preserve evidence that may become important later. That could include threatening text messages or emails, photographs, police reports, medical records, voicemails, court documents, or other evidence of what occurred.
Don't exaggerate. Don't retaliate. And don't provoke your spouse to try to create evidence. Document what actually happens.
Credibility matters tremendously in both domestic violence and divorce proceedings.
If you're afraid of how your spouse may react to separation or divorce, don't assume that your first step should be announcing that you're leaving. Talk to an attorney about your circumstances and, when appropriate, develop a plan for how to proceed safely.
That may include thinking about important documents, finances, medications, your children's needs, housing, and who you can contact if the situation becomes dangerous. Your safety comes before having the perfect conversation about ending the marriage.
It can, but the answer depends on the issue. New Jersey allows people to file for divorce based on irreconcilable differences, so you don't necessarily have to prove abuse simply to end your marriage.
But abusive conduct may still be highly relevant to other issues, particularly domestic violence proceedings and decisions involving your children's safety and parenting arrangements.
The important thing is to separate the question "Can I get divorced?" from the question "How does my spouse's conduct affect the issues in my case?"
Those are not always the same thing.
If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, don't wait for the divorce process to solve the problem. Contact law enforcement or seek emergency assistance. A divorce case can address many long-term issues, but immediate safety may require immediate action.
I've practiced New Jersey divorce and family law for decades and have represented people dealing with abusive and controlling spouses. These cases require careful decisions.
You may need to think about safety, custody, finances, housing, evidence, communication with your spouse, and the timing of your divorce all at once. Don't make those decisions based solely on fear or pressure from your spouse.
Understand your legal options first.
If you're considering divorce from an abusive spouse and want to discuss your circumstances confidentially, call my office at (732) 845-9010.
Until next time,
Steve