Divorce is difficult enough. Divorcing a spouse whose alcohol or drug use may affect their judgment, behavior, or ability to care for your children can create an entirely different level of concern.
You may be wondering whether your children are safe, what happens if your spouse denies there is a problem, and how alcohol or drug use could affect custody and parenting time. In these cases, the important questions are usually not about what label applies to your spouse. They are about safety, stability, and what you can actually prove.
Denial and minimization are common when alcohol or drugs become an issue during divorce. Your spouse may insist that you are exaggerating, that their drinking is under control, or that you are only raising the issue because you want an advantage in the custody case.
Trying to convince your spouse to admit there is a problem is usually not a productive use of your energy. Instead, focus on specific behavior and how that behavior has affected the children.
There is an important difference between saying, "My spouse drinks too much," and being able to describe repeated instances of intoxication during parenting time, missed pickups, unsafe driving, aggression, or an inability to properly supervise the children.
The court does not need a label. It needs facts.
New Jersey courts make custody decisions based on the best interests of the child. If a parent's alcohol or drug use affects the child's safety or the parent's ability to provide appropriate care, it can become relevant to custody and parenting time.
For example, substance use may affect a parent's ability to safely supervise the children, drive them, maintain a parenting schedule, make appropriate decisions, respond to an emergency, or provide a stable home. The court may consider how frequently the behavior occurs, how serious it is, and whether there is evidence that the children have actually been placed at risk.
An allegation by itself is not the same thing as a documented pattern. If you believe substance abuse is affecting your spouse's parenting, the evidence supporting that concern can become extremely important.
When there is credible evidence of a legitimate safety concern, the court can consider protections while the situation is evaluated. What is appropriate depends on the circumstances.
That could include a professional substance abuse evaluation, alcohol or drug testing, supervised parenting time, restrictions on substance use before or during parenting time, treatment, counseling, or arrangements designed to ensure the children are transported safely. In some cases, parenting time may expand as a parent demonstrates progress and the safety concerns are addressed.
These measures are not automatic simply because one spouse accuses the other of having a substance abuse problem. The protection being requested should have a reasonable connection to the evidence and the potential risk to the children.
The purpose is not to punish a parent for struggling with alcohol or drugs. The immediate concern is determining what arrangement protects the children while the underlying issues are addressed.
Judges were not there when your spouse showed up intoxicated for a pickup. They did not hear the phone call you heard or see what happened inside your home. They have to make decisions based on the evidence presented to them.
If substance abuse is becoming an issue in your divorce, keep a factual record of significant incidents. Dates, times, missed parenting exchanges, unusual communications, unsafe driving, police involvement, witnesses, and relevant messages may all become important depending on the circumstances.
Be specific. "My spouse is always drunk" tells the court very little. A description of when something happened, what you personally observed, who else was present, and how it affected the children is much more useful.
You should also be careful about how you obtain evidence. Do not trespass, access accounts you are not authorized to use, impersonate someone, install tracking devices, or engage in other conduct that may itself create legal problems. If you are unsure whether you can legally obtain or use something, speak with your attorney first.
Not every substance abuse case begins with a dramatic event. Sometimes the concern becomes apparent through a pattern: repeatedly missed pickups, intoxicated calls, unexplained disappearances, unsafe supervision, erratic behavior, or frequent last-minute cancellations.
Individually, one event may not tell the entire story. A consistent and well-documented pattern can provide important context.
At the same time, allegations involving alcohol and drugs are serious, particularly when they are raised during a custody dispute. The response you ask the court for should be supported by the evidence you actually have.
If you believe your spouse's alcohol or drug use is interfering with their ability to safely care for your children, speak with an experienced New Jersey family lawyer promptly. Preserve relevant evidence, document specific incidents, and discuss whether temporary safeguards may be appropriate.
Do not simply ignore an existing custody or parenting-time order because you and your spouse disagree about the seriousness of the problem. How to respond to an immediate concern can depend heavily on the circumstances and the existing court orders.
If you believe a child is in immediate danger, however, contact law enforcement or emergency services. A routine Family Court motion is not a substitute for emergency assistance.
I have handled New Jersey divorce and custody cases involving alcohol and drug abuse for decades. These cases can be frightening because you are not only dealing with the end of a marriage. You may also be trying to determine how to protect your children while dealing with a spouse whose behavior has become unpredictable.
You do not need to diagnose your spouse or convince them to agree with you. You need to understand what is happening, document what matters, and make thoughtful decisions about what comes next.
If you are considering divorce and want to better understand the process before making those decisions, my free Divorce Smarter Course covers the issues that can affect your children, finances, and future.
Until next time,
Steve