If you're a father facing separation or divorce, one of your biggest concerns may have nothing to do with money. You're worried about your children.
Maybe the other parent has started controlling the schedule. Maybe you're seeing your children less. Or maybe you're simply afraid that once you separate, you'll automatically become the "secondary" parent.
Here's what you need to understand: New Jersey law does not give mothers greater custody rights simply because they're mothers. Fathers and mothers enter a custody case with equal parental rights.
Yes. New Jersey law specifically provides that, in a custody proceeding, the rights of both parents are equal. But that doesn't mean either parent is automatically entitled to 50/50 custody.
The court's job is to determine the custody and parenting-time arrangement that is in the best interests of the child. Depending on the family, that could mean equal parenting time, a shared schedule that isn't exactly equal, or one parent having primary residential custody.
The important point is that the decision isn't supposed to be based on whether you're the mother or the father.
Judges consider many factors when deciding what's best for a child.
Those include:
In other words, the court looks at the actual family, not an outdated assumption that children automatically belong primarily with their mother.
These terms are important.
Legal custody generally refers to responsibility for major decisions involving your child's health, education, and general welfare.
Physical or residential custody deals with where your child lives and the parenting-time schedule.
You can share legal custody without having an exact 50/50 residential schedule. That's why it's important to understand exactly what you're asking for rather than simply saying, "I want joint custody."
Yes, a father can have equal parenting time in New Jersey when that arrangement is appropriate for the child. But there is no automatic presumption that parenting time must be divided 50/50. The schedule has to work for the particular family.
The court may consider things like your involvement with the child, work schedules, school, distance between homes, the parents' ability to cooperate, and the child's individual needs. If you want substantial parenting time, your actions matter.
One mistake I see parents make is waiting too long when their parenting time starts disappearing. A few missed days become a few weeks. An informal schedule develops. Before long, one parent is handling most of the day-to-day parenting while the other has much less time.
If the other parent is unreasonably restricting your time with your child, don't respond by starting a war, but don't ignore it either. Get informed and address the problem appropriately.
Custody cases can become emotional very quickly. Texting angry messages, involving your children in the dispute, speaking badly about the other parent to them, or using parenting time as leverage can hurt your credibility.
Instead, focus on being the parent you want the court to see. Show up. Stay involved in school and medical issues. Know what's happening in your child's life. Follow the parenting schedule. Keep your communication reasonable. And keep your child out of the fight between the adults.
For decades, I've represented fathers in New Jersey custody and divorce cases. The goal isn't to prove that fathers deserve more rights than mothers. They don't. The goal is to make sure you're treated as what you are: a parent.
If you're concerned that your role in your child's life is being diminished, don't assume there's nothing you can do about it. Learn your rights, understand how New Jersey custody decisions are made, and make thoughtful decisions before the situation gets worse.
My free Divorce Smarter Course can help you understand custody and the other major issues you'll face during a New Jersey divorce.
Until next time,
Steve