About 20 years ago, I began noticing a pattern.
More and more clients were coming into my office saying:
“I think my spouse is a narcissist.”
They were confused, exhausted, and questioning their own judgment.
So I started studying.
I read about narcissistic personality traits, attended seminars, spoke with other professionals, and watched how these behaviors affected real New Jersey divorce cases.
I have continued learning ever since.
If you are considering divorce from a controlling or high-conflict spouse, I get it.
This probably does not feel like a normal divorce.
I am not a mental health professional, and most likely, neither are you.
Neither of us should diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
But you can identify and document the behavior you experience.
That behavior may include:
For your divorce case, the label is usually less important than the facts.
Instead of saying, “My spouse is a narcissist,” be prepared to explain what your spouse did, when it happened, and how it affected your finances, children, or safety.
A client I’ll call Lori came to me feeling completely worn down.
Her husband blamed her for every problem, denied conversations she clearly remembered, and told their children that she was unstable.
By the time we met, Lori was no longer asking only how to get divorced.
She wanted to know how to respond to someone who turned every conversation into a conflict.
She told me:
“I need a lawyer who can see the pattern, plan around it, and fight back when necessary.”
That required more than filing divorce papers.
It required a strategy.
A typical divorce involves two people trying to resolve custody, support, property, and debt.
The spouses may disagree strongly, but they are still capable of exchanging information and considering reasonable compromises.
A high-conflict spouse may approach the divorce differently.
For that person, the case may become another way to punish, control, delay, or force an emotional reaction.
You may experience:
You cannot control whether your spouse behaves reasonably.
You can control how you prepare and respond.
Judges decide cases based on relevant facts and credible evidence.
Keep records of important issues involving:
Save documents legally and organize them carefully.
A clear timeline supported by records is usually more useful than hundreds of screenshots without context.
When your spouse sends an insulting or provocative message, your first instinct may be to respond immediately.
Don’t take the bait.
Keep your communication:
Avoid name-calling, threats, sarcasm, and lengthy emotional explanations.
Assume that a judge may eventually read what you write.
Your spouse’s message may make them look unreasonable. An angry response can make both of you look unreasonable.
Financial control is common in high-conflict marriages.
Before or during the divorce, you may need to identify:
Do not hide, transfer, or empty accounts.
Instead, gather information lawfully and speak with your attorney before making significant financial decisions.
If you are concerned that your spouse may hide or waste assets, raise the issue early.
A high-conflict spouse may use the children to gather information, deliver messages, or place pressure on you.
Do not respond by doing the same thing.
Avoid discussing litigation with your children. Do not ask them to choose sides or report on the other parent’s home.
Document genuine concerns about their health, safety, or emotional well-being. Then address those concerns through the proper legal or professional channels.
Protecting your children also means protecting them from the conflict itself.
A high-conflict spouse may create ten arguments when only two actually matter.
If you respond to every accusation and pursue every disagreement, your case can become longer, more expensive, and more emotionally exhausting.
Ask:
You do not need to win every argument.
You need to protect what matters.
No lawyer can guarantee a divorce result.
But an effective strategy can anticipate common problems and reduce your spouse’s ability to control the process.
That may include:
The right strategy depends on the particular facts of your marriage.
You do not need to prove that your spouse is a narcissist to protect yourself in a New Jersey divorce.
You need to identify the behavior, document the facts, and understand how that behavior affects the issues the court must decide.
Stay organized.
Protect your finances.
Keep your children out of the conflict.
Communicate carefully.
Do not let your spouse’s need for control determine your strategy.
I’ve specialized in New Jersey divorce law for 38 years and have represented many people dealing with controlling and high-conflict spouses.
I created my free Divorce Smarter Course to help you move from confusion to clarity before making important decisions.
You will learn how to:
It is not therapy.
It is a practical divorce education designed to help you understand what you may be facing and what you can do about it.
If you need help now, call my assistant, Valerie, at (732) 845-9010 to schedule a confidential discussion.
I understand how overwhelming this can feel.
I get it.
And I am here to help.
Steve