Not every divorce involves two people who are willing to negotiate reasonably.
If you're divorcing a spouse who lies convincingly, constantly plays the victim, manipulates situations, or turns every disagreement into a battle, you may need a different approach.
I've handled high-conflict New Jersey divorces for decades, including many involving spouses described by my clients as narcissistic. I know that these cases can be very different.
That's how one client described his situation when he first came to see me.
His spouse was calm in public and provocative in private. She knew how to push his buttons and then use his reaction against him.
He wasn't just worried about getting divorced. He was worried about what she might say about him, what she might tell their children, and how she might portray him in court.
He needed a strategy for dealing with a high-conflict spouse without making the situation worse.
When you're dealing with this type of personality, the divorce may involve:
The mistake is assuming you need to fight back against every accusation. You usually don't.
In fact, constantly reacting may give a high-conflict spouse exactly what he or she wants.
When I represent someone dealing with a difficult or manipulative spouse, I focus on what we can actually prove.
What do the text messages say? What do the emails and financial records show? What does the parenting history tell us? In a high-conflict divorce, evidence matters far more than accusations.
Your spouse may say outrageous things. That doesn't mean you should respond with equally outrageous accusations.
Your credibility matters.
Good documentation, reasonable positions, and knowing when not to engage can be far more valuable than winning the latest argument.
High-conflict behavior becomes even more serious when children are involved.
A spouse may try to control parenting time, involve the children in adult disagreements, or make accusations about the other parent's behavior.
New Jersey custody decisions are based on the child's best interests.
Your goal should be to demonstrate through your actions and evidence that you're focused on your children's stability and well-being, not on punishing your spouse.
I've practiced New Jersey divorce and family law for decades.
I've represented people dealing with controlling, manipulative, and extremely difficult spouses.
No two cases are exactly alike, and calling someone a "narcissist" doesn't automatically change New Jersey divorce law.
But understanding the behavior you're dealing with can change how you approach the case.
You need to know when to respond, when to document, when to negotiate, and when an issue actually needs to be brought before a judge.
If you believe you're divorcing a narcissistic or high-conflict spouse, don't let that person dictate how you behave throughout the divorce.
Stay focused on your children, finances, evidence, credibility, and the result you're trying to achieve.
I also created my free Divorce Smarter Course to help people understand the New Jersey divorce process before making decisions that can be difficult to undo.
It covers custody, finances, settlement, high-conflict spouses, and other issues you're likely to encounter as your divorce moves forward.
Until next time,
Steve