The first thing Rob said to me was: "My wife is a narcissist, and I just found out she's sleeping with my best friend. I want a divorce!"
Rob was (understandably) furious. But his anger was also getting in the way of making good decisions.
Eventually, he turned his entire life around for the better.
Here's how.
Rob and Sue lived in Holmdel, New Jersey with their three children.
Rob worked long hours in Manhattan and earned a six-figure income. Sue had stopped working after their first child was born and had been a homemaker for about 15 years.
Their marriage had been struggling for some time. Then Rob discovered that Sue was having an affair with his best friend.
He was devastated. And furious. He wanted a divorce immediately.
Rob told Sue she wouldn't get a dime of alimony. She wasn't getting his 401(k), IRA, pension, or stocks either. He wanted sole custody of the children. He wanted a psychological evaluation to "prove" that she was a narcissist.
He wanted to fight.
The problem was that most of those decisions were being driven by anger rather than by what New Jersey divorce law actually allowed.
That's dangerous in a divorce.
Your spouse may have cheated on you. Your spouse may be controlling, manipulative, or incredibly difficult to deal with.
You have every right to be angry.
But anger doesn't determine how marital assets are divided. It doesn't automatically eliminate alimony. And it doesn't determine what's in your children's best interests.
Rob needed to separate two things:
How he felt about what Sue had done, and what he actually wanted his life to look like after the divorce.
Those weren't the same thing.
Ultimately, Rob hired me to represent him.
We went through the law, his finances, his custody concerns, and realistic possibilities for settling the case.
I also recommended that he get help outside my office.
He began working with a therapist who helped him manage his anger and focus on what type of custody arrangement would actually be best for his children. He also worked with a financial professional to better understand what his post-divorce finances could look like.
Instead of trying to punish Sue, he started making decisions based on his future.
That changed everything.
Rob and Sue participated in the custody process and negotiated the financial issues through their attorneys and mediation. Ultimately, they reached a settlement.
Sue didn't "take him for everything he had." Rob didn't need an expensive, drawn-out trial.
The custody and financial issues that initially seemed impossible to resolve were worked out, and the case ended with an uncontested divorce hearing in Monmouth County.
Then Rob started moving on.
Rob called me sometime later. He sounded like a different person.
Therapy had helped him manage the rage that once consumed him. His relationship with his children was strong. He was dating again. He was financially okay.
Most importantly, his divorce was no longer controlling his life.
"Life is good," he told me.
That's the real point of Rob's story.
When you're divorcing a high-conflict or narcissistic spouse, it's very easy to become consumed by proving what the other person did wrong. Sometimes the smarter strategy is to stop focusing on punishment and start focusing on the result.
Protect your children. Understand your finances. Know the law. Get the right professional help.
And make decisions based on the life you want after the divorce.
Until next time,
Steve