Something feels wrong.
You have the same argument over and over, but somehow you walk away questioning what actually happened.
Your spouse denies things you clearly remember. Conversations get rewritten. You begin second-guessing your own reactions.
Maybe you've searched:
If those questions sound familiar, start by focusing less on the label and more on the behavior you're experiencing.
Gaslighting is more than disagreeing with you or remembering an argument differently.
It generally describes manipulative behavior that causes another person to begin doubting their own perceptions, experiences, or understanding of what happened.
That can look like:
One difficult argument doesn't necessarily mean you're being gaslit. What matters is the pattern.
One of the most common things I hear is: "I think my spouse is a narcissist."
Maybe. Maybe not. Unless your spouse has actually been evaluated by a qualified mental health professional, you probably don't know. And from a divorce lawyer's perspective, you usually don't need to know. What matters much more is what your spouse does.
Do they threaten you? Control money? Constantly change agreements? Pull the children into adult disputes? Send abusive or contradictory messages? Refuse to provide financial information? Those are concrete facts that can actually matter in a divorce case.
When conflict becomes constant, people often start reacting instead of thinking. You may find yourself explaining the same thing repeatedly, defending yourself against accusations, or trying to get your spouse to finally admit that you're right.
That can become exhausting. And if you're considering divorce, continuing that cycle can make an already difficult process much harder.
At some point, the better question may not be: "How do I make my spouse understand?"
It may be: "How do I protect myself if they never do?"
You don't have to decide today.
Some people spend a long time trying to determine whether their marriage can improve before they ever speak to a divorce lawyer. Getting information doesn't commit you to filing.
It simply helps you understand what your options would be if you eventually decide the marriage cannot continue.
Start paying attention to facts rather than labels. Keep important communications. Understand your finances. Know what accounts and assets exist. Stay involved with your children. Avoid sending angry messages you'll later regret. And don't assume that arguing harder will suddenly make a difficult spouse become reasonable.
The more complicated the relationship, the more important it is to make decisions calmly and deliberately.
I've represented people dealing with extremely difficult spouses throughout my career as a New Jersey divorce lawyer.
That's why I created Steve Kaplan's Step-by-Step Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist in NJ.
The guide covers issues such as:
It's included as the first lesson in my free NJ Divorce Course.
You don't have to be certain your spouse is a narcissist. And you don't have to be certain you're getting divorced. You can simply start by getting informed.
Living in constant conflict can make it difficult to tell which problems matter and which arguments are simply noise. You don't have to figure everything out at once.
Learn how the New Jersey divorce process works, understand the issues that could affect you, and then decide what your next step should be.
Until next time,
Steve