Years ago, I was sitting in a New Jersey courtroom during a child custody trial when a judge asked a father why he believed his wife shouldn't have custody of their 13-month-old daughter. His answer was essentially, "She's crazy. She even sees a psychologist." The judge wasn't impressed.
The exchange stuck with me because it illustrates an important point for people going through a divorce or custody dispute: seeing a therapist, by itself, doesn't mean you're an unfit parent.
People sometimes worry that if they see a psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, or other mental health professional during a divorce, their spouse will use it against them in a custody dispute. Simply going to therapy doesn't establish that you're incapable of caring for your children.
Divorce can be extraordinarily stressful. Your family structure is changing. You may be worried about your children, your finances, your home, and what your life is going to look like when the case is over. Getting professional support during that process is not the same thing as being unable to parent.
But that doesn't mean mental health can never become relevant in a custody case.
New Jersey custody decisions focus on the best interests of the child. If there is a legitimate concern that a parent's mental or emotional condition is affecting that parent's ability to safely and appropriately care for a child, the issue may become relevant to the custody case. The important distinction is between receiving mental health treatment and having a condition or behavior that actually affects parenting.
In a contested custody case, a court may sometimes determine that it needs additional information about a parent's psychological or parental functioning. Depending upon the circumstances, that can involve an evaluation by an appropriate mental health professional.
So I wouldn't tell a client, "Therapy can never come up in your custody case." But I also wouldn't assume that seeing a therapist means there's something wrong with your ability to be a good parent. Those are two very different things.
I've practiced New Jersey family law for decades, and I've seen how differently people react to divorce. For some people, the stress shows up as anxiety. Others have trouble sleeping or concentrating. Some become overwhelmed by anger or fear. Others simply need a neutral person to talk to while they're making some of the most important decisions of their lives.
Your divorce lawyer has an important role, but your lawyer isn't your therapist. I can explain the law, help you evaluate your options, prepare you for court, negotiate on your behalf, and help you make strategic decisions about your case.
A qualified mental health professional serves a very different purpose. Sometimes having both kinds of support can make the divorce process easier to manage.
This distinction is important. Your lawyer's job is to protect your legal interests and advise you about your divorce or custody case. Your therapist's job is to help you address the emotional and psychological issues you're experiencing.
You shouldn't assume that everything discussed with one professional should automatically be shared with the other. Communications with mental health professionals can involve important confidentiality and privilege issues.
If something involving your mental health treatment could become relevant to your divorce or custody case, talk to your lawyer before making decisions about records, releases, or disclosure.
If you're struggling emotionally during a divorce, don't automatically assume that getting professional help will make you look like a bad parent. The more useful question is whether there is anything about your mental health, behavior, treatment, or parenting that could legitimately affect your children's safety or well-being.
If there is, it needs to be taken seriously. If there isn't, the fact that you're talking to a therapist is very different from evidence that you're incapable of parenting your children.
Divorce is difficult enough without refusing support you genuinely need because you're worried about how the word "therapy" might sound in court.
If you're going through a New Jersey divorce and want to better understand custody, parenting time, settlement, and the decisions you'll face along the way, my free Divorce Smarter Course explains the process in straightforward terms.
Until next time,
Steve