If your spouse regularly insults, humiliates, threatens, intimidates, or tries to control you, you may consider the behavior verbally abusive. And if you're thinking about divorce, you may be wondering whether that matters legally.
Sometimes it does. But it's important to distinguish between behavior that contributed to the breakdown of your marriage and conduct that may have specific legal significance in a New Jersey divorce, custody, or domestic violence case.
Not every cruel or hurtful statement becomes a legal issue.
It depends upon what actually happened. If your spouse frequently belittled you, called you names, or said terrible things during arguments, that behavior may be one of the reasons you no longer want to remain married.
But divorce court isn't generally a place where every bad thing one spouse said to the other gets litigated. I'm much more interested in whether the conduct affects an issue the court may actually have to decide.
Were there threats? Harassment? Intimidation? A history of domestic violence? Did the behavior occur in front of the children or affect them? Are you afraid of your spouse? Is your spouse using threats or intimidation to control financial or parenting decisions?
Those facts can be much more significant.
People sometimes assume that domestic violence requires physical violence. It doesn't. New Jersey's Prevention of Domestic Violence Act recognizes a number of acts that don't necessarily involve someone being physically struck.
Depending upon the circumstances, conduct involving harassment, terroristic threats, stalking, criminal coercion, and certain other acts can potentially fall within the law. But that doesn't mean every insult, argument, or angry statement qualifies someone for a restraining order. The particular words, conduct, context, history between the parties, and need for protection can all matter.
That's why I wouldn't tell someone, "Your spouse is verbally abusive, so you should get a restraining order." I'd want to know exactly what happened.
Threats deserve to be taken seriously. If your spouse is threatening to hurt you, your children, or someone else, tell your attorney exactly what was said and the circumstances surrounding it. Don't summarize it by saying, "My spouse was verbally abusive." Tell me the actual words if you remember them.
There can be an enormous legal difference between an insulting statement made during an argument and a serious threat that causes you to fear for your safety. The details matter.
If the conduct may become relevant to your divorce, custody case, or a potential domestic violence proceeding, preserving appropriate evidence can be useful.
Save relevant text messages, emails, voicemails, and other communications that you already lawfully possess. If a significant incident occurs, make a note of when it happened, what occurred, and whether anyone else witnessed it. But don't feel that you need to document every unpleasant interaction you've ever had with your spouse.
Focus on significant events, particularly those involving threats, harassment, intimidation, the children, financial control, or safety concerns. And be careful about secretly recording conversations without first understanding the legal issues involved. Talk to your lawyer before deciding how to gather evidence.
Potentially. New Jersey courts decide custody based upon the best interests of the child. Domestic violence and the safety of the child and parents can be relevant to that analysis. But once again, context matters.
A parent occasionally saying something rude to the other parent isn't the same as a continuing pattern of threats, intimidation, harassment, or behavior that is affecting the children. If you're concerned about the effect your spouse's behavior is having on your children, focus on what the children are actually experiencing.
Are they witnessing serious confrontations? Are they being threatened or intimidated? Is one parent involving them in the marital conflict? Has their behavior or emotional well-being changed? Those facts are more useful than simply labeling the other parent "verbally abusive."
When you're going through a difficult divorce, credibility matters. Don't turn every argument into an allegation of abuse simply because your spouse said something cruel.
At the same time, don't minimize conduct that genuinely frightens you or makes you concerned about your children's safety. Tell your attorney what is actually happening.
I've found that specific facts are far more useful than labels. "My spouse is verbally abusive" gives me somewhere to start. "My spouse sent me these messages, made this threat, said this in front of our children, and has done similar things repeatedly over the past six months" gives me information I can actually evaluate.
If verbal abuse is part of your marriage, the legal question isn't simply whether your spouse has behaved badly. The question is what that behavior means for your particular situation.
Does it create a legitimate safety concern? Could it constitute harassment or another act recognized under New Jersey's domestic violence laws? Is it affecting your children? Is intimidation being used to control financial or parenting decisions? Those are the questions I'd want to explore with you.
If you're preparing for divorce and want to understand the legal and financial issues you'll be facing, my free Divorce Smarter Course will walk you through the major decisions involved in a New Jersey divorce.
Until next time,
Steve