Since 2007, the grounds for divorce in New Jersey have included "irreconcilable differences."
What are irreconcilable differences?
Pretty much anything.
Before New Jersey added irreconcilable differences, most divorce lawyers, including me, filed many of our divorce complaints based on "extreme cruelty."
What exactly is extreme cruelty?
Well... pretty much anything.
And that led to some pretty, ahh, "creative" divorce complaints.
You might see an allegation like:
"He intentionally spilled red wine on my white blouse during Christmas dinner, thereby intentionally embarrassing me in front of my whole family."
Or:
"She intentionally cursed at me in front of our son's third-grade teacher, causing me great anxiety and humiliation."
You get the idea.
People were being encouraged to take relatively ordinary marital conflicts and turn them into allegations of "extreme cruelty" simply because they needed grounds for divorce.
Silly, right?
But there was a bigger problem.
Imagine receiving divorce papers from your spouse.
It's already difficult enough to learn that your spouse wants a divorce.
Then you start reading allegations about all the supposedly terrible things you've done during the marriage.
Naturally, people got upset. And sometimes they retaliated.
The divorce started on the wrong foot before anyone had even begun dealing with the issues that actually mattered.
More fighting. More stress for the parents and children. And potentially more legal fees because one spouse was angry about what the other had written in the divorce complaint.
There had to be a better way.
The alternative wasn't particularly attractive either.
If people didn't want to file based on extreme cruelty or another fault ground, they could potentially file based on 18 months of separation.
But that required the spouses to actually live separate and apart for 18 consecutive months before filing on that ground. Most people didn't want to wait a year and a half just to start their divorce.
So lawyers were stuck with an uncomfortable situation.
We were telling our clients that they had an obligation to be truthful throughout their divorce while also helping them describe marital problems in a way that could satisfy the grounds for extreme cruelty.
I never liked that.
Then New Jersey added irreconcilable differences as a ground for divorce.
And it made a real difference.
Instead of accusing your spouse of misconduct, you can essentially say:
"We have differences that cannot be reconciled. Our marriage is over."
That's it.
You don't need to start your divorce by listing every argument, insult, disagreement, or bad moment from your marriage. And that's important.
If you're hoping to resolve your divorce reasonably, why start the case by unnecessarily making your spouse angry?
This is where people often misunderstand the importance of divorce grounds.
They assume that if their spouse cheated, behaved badly, or caused the marriage to end, proving it will automatically give them an advantage in the divorce.
Usually, the grounds themselves aren't what will determine the outcome of your case.
The issues that generally matter much more are things like:
There are situations where a spouse's conduct can become legally relevant.
But proving who was the worse husband or wife usually isn't where you should be spending your time, energy, and legal fees.
I advocated for the addition of irreconcilable differences to New Jersey's divorce law because I had seen the damage the old system could cause.
Today, I almost always recommend filing based on irreconcilable differences when it's appropriate.
It allows you to begin the divorce without unnecessarily attacking your spouse.
Will that guarantee an amicable divorce? Of course not.
But at least you're not throwing gasoline on the fire before the case has even started.
New Jersey recognizes multiple grounds for divorce.
But for many people, the specific ground for divorce isn't nearly as important as they think it is.
Irreconcilable differences gives divorcing spouses a way to end the marriage without turning the divorce complaint into a list of accusations.
That allows you to focus on the issues that will actually affect your future.
And in my experience, that's a much better place to start.
Until next time,