As a New Jersey divorce attorney, I get many questions about adultery.
There is a lot of confusion about whether a judge will punish a spouse for being unfaithful.
The short answer is:
In most New Jersey divorces, adultery does not affect alimony.
New Jersey generally does not use alimony to punish the spouse who had an affair or reward the spouse who remained faithful.
A lot of people find that unfair.
I understand.
But the emotional importance of adultery and its legal importance are often two very different things.
Why Adultery Usually Does Not Affect Alimony
The purpose of alimony is financial.
When deciding whether alimony should be awarded, how much should be paid, and how long it should continue, New Jersey judges consider factors such as:
- Each spouse’s financial needs and ability to pay
- The length of the marriage
- The marital standard of living
- Each spouse’s income and earning capacity
- Age and health
- Time spent outside the workforce
- Parenting responsibilities
- Financial and non-financial contributions to the marriage
- The division of marital property
- Other relevant circumstances
Whether one spouse had an affair is generally not part of that financial analysis.
As the New Jersey Supreme Court has explained, alimony is not intended to punish the person paying it or reward the person receiving it.
My First Adultery Case
I vividly remember my first adultery case.
It was September 1987, and I had just joined a law firm. A senior partner brought a potential client into my office and then left me to handle the consultation.
My first client.
At some point, she asked whether it would hurt her case if her husband discovered that she had a boyfriend.
I was a brand-new lawyer, and I did not know the answer.
So I told her the truth:
“I don’t know. But let’s find out.”
I asked the senior partner.
He marched back into my office and gave the client a very colorful explanation that her affair would not affect her husband’s alimony obligation.
He was knowledgeable.
Sensitivity was not his strong point.
But his legal point was generally correct then, and it remains generally correct today.
When Can Adultery Affect a NJ Divorce?
Although adultery itself usually does not change alimony, the financial or parenting consequences of an affair may still matter.
Marital Money Spent on the Affair
If a spouse used marital money to support an affair, the financial loss may become relevant.
Examples could include money spent on:
- Vacations
- Hotel rooms
- Gifts
- Rent or housing
- Entertainment
- Credit-card charges
- Transfers to the other person
The issue is not simply that the spouse cheated.
The issue is whether marital assets were spent, hidden, transferred, or depleted for a purpose unrelated to the marriage.
If substantial marital funds were used, the other spouse may seek an appropriate credit or adjustment when property is divided.
Extremely Egregious Conduct
New Jersey recognizes very narrow circumstances in which marital misconduct may affect alimony.
Those exceptions generally involve conduct that directly affected the couple’s finances or behavior so extreme that continuing financial ties would violate basic concepts of justice.
Ordinary adultery, even when deeply painful, usually does not meet that standard.
Does Adultery Affect Child Custody?
Usually, the fact that a parent had an affair does not automatically determine custody or parenting time.
Custody decisions are based on the children’s best interests.
The affair may become relevant if related behavior affected the children. For example:
- The children were exposed to unsafe situations
- Parenting responsibilities were neglected
- The new partner presents a legitimate safety concern
- A parent repeatedly left the children unsupervised
- The affair caused instability that directly affected the children
- A parent involved the children in deception or conflict
The court’s focus is not on punishing a parent for adultery. It is on protecting the children’s safety, stability, and well-being.
Should You Investigate Your Spouse’s Affair?
Before spending substantial money investigating adultery, ask what legally useful information you expect to obtain.
Proof of the affair alone may have little effect on alimony, custody, or property division.
An investigation may be more relevant if you reasonably suspect:
- Marital money is being spent
- Assets are being hidden
- The children are being placed at risk
- Your spouse is making false financial disclosures
- Evidence is needed for a specific legal claim
Do not access private accounts, install tracking devices, trespass, impersonate someone, or use unlawful methods to obtain evidence.
Discuss the potential cost and legal value with your attorney before acting.
The Emotional Impact Still Matters
Saying that adultery usually does not affect alimony does not mean it does not matter.
Discovering an affair can be devastating. It can destroy trust, affect your children, and influence whether you pursue counseling, separation, or divorce.
Those emotional consequences are real, even when the court does not use alimony to punish the unfaithful spouse.
A qualified counselor may help you decide what you want and how to move forward.
The Bottom Line
In most cases, adultery does not increase, reduce, or eliminate alimony in New Jersey.
But related financial misconduct or conduct affecting the children may still be legally significant.
Focus on the facts that can shape your divorce outcome:
- Your financial circumstances
- The marital lifestyle
- Your children’s needs
- The division of property
- Any misuse of marital money
- Your long-term goals
Understanding that distinction can save you from spending time, money, and emotional energy proving something that may have little effect on the final result.
Learn Before You Make Your Next Move
I have focused my practice on New Jersey divorce law for 38 years and have represented many people whose marriages involved adultery.
I get it, and I am here to help.
My free Divorce Smarter Course explains alimony, custody, property division, and divorce strategy in plain English.
Until next time,
Steve