Betrayal is awful. I get it.
It happened to me a long time ago, and I still remember how angry I was. More importantly, I remember how badly that anger affected my judgment. That experience taught me something I've seen repeatedly in divorce cases since then: When you've been betrayed, proving a point can feel more important than protecting your own future.
I Learned This Lesson the Hard Way
I was in law school when a woman I was dating told me she was depressed and needed $500 for therapy. This was 1981. I was a student, and $500 was basically everything I had in the bank. But I cared about her, felt partly responsible for what she was going through, and wanted to help. So I sent her the $500.
That Saturday, I went to her apartment and heard a dog barking. She opened the door holding a little black puppy.
I asked, "Susan, you got a new puppy?"
"Yes! Isn't he beautiful?"
"How much did the puppy cost?"
"$500."
I didn't say another word. I turned around, walked back to my car, and drove away. I was furious.
Then It Became About the Principle
I wrote her a letter demanding my $500 back. She ignored it. I wrote another one and threatened to take her to small claims court. She ignored that one too.
At that point, this wasn't really about $500 anymore. It was about the principle. I felt lied to, humiliated, and used, and I became obsessed with getting every dollar back. My uncle told me to forget about it. I was supposed to be studying for law school finals, and instead I was spending my time thinking about this $500.
He asked me a very good question: "Is it really worth screwing up your grades over this?"
At the time, my answer was yes.
Eventually, she paid me back a little at a time over more than a year. I got exactly what I wanted: every damn dollar.
Was It Worth It?
Of course not.
I had allowed $500 and my anger over being betrayed to consume an enormous amount of my time and attention. I couldn't see that then. I can see it very clearly now.
And after decades of practicing divorce law in New Jersey, I've watched people make versions of the same mistake in their divorces.
Betrayal Can Make Divorce Personal Very Quickly
Maybe your spouse cheated on you. Maybe you discovered money you didn't know about. Maybe your spouse lied to you for years. Maybe you've been manipulated, humiliated, or treated terribly.
Whatever happened, you may enter the divorce wanting your spouse to finally pay for what they did. That's understandable. But there is a difference between protecting yourself and trying to punish your spouse.
That distinction can save you a tremendous amount of money, time, and emotional energy.
Don't Spend $10,000 to Win $5,000
Divorce involves decisions about children, property, support, retirement, businesses, homes, and sometimes relatively small possessions. When you're angry, every disagreement can start to feel like a matter of principle.
Be careful with that phrase. "It's the principle" can become very expensive in a divorce lawyer's office.
There are absolutely issues worth fighting for. But before you spend thousands of dollars pursuing something, ask yourself what winning will actually accomplish. If you spend $10,000 in legal fees to win a $5,000 dispute, did you really win?
Focus on What Will Matter After the Divorce
You don't need to forgive your spouse. You don't need to forget what happened. And you certainly don't need to agree to an unfair divorce settlement just to keep the peace.
What you do need is perspective. Your divorce should be about protecting your children, your finances, your assets, and your ability to move forward. Don't allow your spouse's betrayal to make important decisions for you.
I learned that lesson over $500 and a little black puppy. I'd rather you not learn it during your divorce.
If you're preparing for divorce, my free Divorce Smarter course can help you understand the process and start thinking strategically before making major decisions.
Until next time,
Steve