Divorce can bring out the worst in otherwise reasonable people. When you feel betrayed, frightened or angry, getting even with your spouse may seem satisfying. But dirty tricks often backfire.
They create more conflict, increase legal fees and can damage your credibility with the judge. In some cases, they can hurt the exact financial or custody result you were trying to protect.
Here are 10 mistakes to avoid during your New Jersey divorce:
1. Emptying the House
Taking every piece of furniture, every kitchen appliance and nearly everything else in the marital home may feel like a victory. Usually, it just declares war.
There may be legitimate reasons to remove your personal belongings or items needed for your children. But clearing out the house to punish your spouse can make settlement much more difficult.
Before removing substantial property, speak with your lawyer.
2. Canceling Credit Cards Without Warning
Canceling your spouse’s access to money can create an immediate financial crisis, especially if that spouse relies on the cards for groceries, gasoline or children’s expenses.
It may also lead to an emergency motion asking the court to restore financial support and award attorney’s fees.
If joint debt is being misused, it may need to be addressed. But do not suddenly cut off necessary access to money without obtaining legal advice.
3. Trying to Get Your Spouse Fired
Before reporting your spouse to an employer, licensing board, government agency or important client, stop and think. If you expect that person to pay child support or alimony, destroying their income may also damage your financial security.
There are situations in which serious wrongdoing must be reported. Revenge should not be the reason.
4. Cutting Off Utilities or Household Expenses
Canceling electricity, telephone service, insurance or other essential household services rarely creates a strategic advantage. It is more likely to produce an urgent court application and make you look unreasonable.
During a pending divorce, New Jersey courts often seek to preserve reasonable financial stability until a temporary or final arrangement can be established.
5. Publicly Exposing an Affair
You may want to tell relatives, coworkers, neighbors or the other person’s spouse about an affair. Before doing that, ask what it will accomplish.
Public embarrassment usually does not improve the legal result. It may increase hostility, damage settlement negotiations and create additional complications.
Make decisions based on strategy, not the temporary satisfaction of revenge.
6. Moving Away With the Children
Do not move your children out of New Jersey simply to prevent your spouse from seeing them. A permanent relocation generally requires the other parent’s consent or court approval.
Moving first and asking permission later can seriously damage your custody position and may result in an order requiring the children’s return. If relocation may be necessary, speak with a lawyer before making plans.
7. Emptying Joint Bank Accounts
Taking all the money from a joint account may provide an immediate sense of security. It can also trigger an emergent application, increase legal fees and cause the judge to question your fairness and credibility.
There are circumstances in which money must be protected. Any withdrawal should have a legitimate purpose and be discussed with your attorney whenever possible. Do not confuse protecting assets with hiding or wasting them.
8. Making False or Exaggerated Accusations
Concerns about abuse, neglect, substance use or a child’s safety must always be taken seriously. But serious accusations should never be invented or exaggerated to gain leverage in a custody dispute.
Judges know that allegations sometimes arise during high-conflict divorces. An unsupported accusation can harm your credibility and distract attention from genuine concerns.
If you believe a child is unsafe, tell your lawyer and the appropriate professionals immediately. Focus on facts, documentation and protection.
9. Deliberately Embarrassing Your Spouse
Having your spouse served at work, during an important event or in front of other people may feel satisfying. Unless there is a legitimate reason, deliberately arranging public embarrassment often invites retaliation.
The method of service should be safe, effective and appropriate. It should not be designed as punishment.
10. Starting a Legal Fight Just Because You Can
Not every disagreement requires a motion. Not every bad decision by your spouse deserves an immediate response. And not every legal right must be exercised at the first possible moment.
Sometimes filing is necessary. Other times, waiting, negotiating or preserving an issue for the right moment is the stronger move.
Good strategy is not about attacking whenever an opportunity appears. It is about choosing the action most likely to improve your final result.
Protecting Yourself Is Not a Dirty Trick
None of this means that you should remain passive or allow your spouse to take advantage of you.
You may need to:
- Protect available funds
- Preserve important records
- Request temporary support
- Prevent improper financial activity
- Seek emergency custody relief
- Report abuse or dangerous conduct
- Ask the court to enforce an order
Sometimes strong and immediate action is necessary. The difference is purpose.
A reasonable legal strategy is designed to protect you or your children. A dirty trick is usually designed to frighten, embarrass or punish your spouse without improving your long-term position.
The Bottom Line
Before doing something dramatic during your divorce, ask yourself: "Will this move help me reach a fair result, or will it simply make my spouse angry?"
After 38 years of practicing New Jersey divorce law, I can tell you that revenge is rarely a good legal strategy.
Stay focused on your children, your finances and the life you want after the divorce. Play it straight.
If you want to understand the process before making an expensive mistake, my free Divorce Smarter Course explains New Jersey divorce law and strategy in plain English.
Steve