For 19 years, he had followed almost the same routine every weekday morning. He left his home in Holmdel at 5:15 a.m. and commuted into New York City, where he worked for a financial services firm.
His company had an office closer to home in Red Bank, but he could earn considerably more in Manhattan. With three children and the cost of raising a family in Monmouth County, the long commute seemed worth it. His wife had stopped working after their first child was born 15 years earlier and had been a homemaker ever since.
Their marriage wasn't perfect. But he never expected what happened next.
The Betrayal
He had known for a while that something wasn't right. His wife seemed increasingly unhappy. They had become distant. She complained that he worked too much and came home too late. Then he discovered that she was having an affair with his best friend.
He was devastated. And then he became furious. He went home early and confronted her. Within minutes, years of frustration and resentment came pouring out from both of them.
She blamed him for working constantly and neglecting the marriage. He blamed her for betraying him. Then she said the words that stayed with him: "I'm going to go for the jugular and take you for everything you've got."
His response wasn't any calmer. He told her she wasn't getting a nickel from him. Not his 401(k). Not his IRA. Not his pension. Not his investments. And he told her he was going to fight for custody of their children. At that moment, neither one of them was thinking very clearly.
Anger Doesn't Determine What Happens in a Divorce
When he eventually came to see me, he was still furious. He felt betrayed not only by his wife, but by someone he considered one of his closest friends. Emotionally, he wanted the divorce to punish her. Legally, however, that's not how a New Jersey divorce works.
The fact that your spouse had an affair doesn't automatically mean that your spouse loses the right to marital property. And anger toward your spouse doesn't determine custody.
The retirement accounts, the house, alimony, custody and the other issues in his divorce had to be evaluated under New Jersey law and the particular facts of his marriage. That wasn't what he wanted to hear at first. But it was what he needed to understand.
We Started With What We Could Actually Prove
Once we got past the initial anger, we started looking at the case differently.
What were the marital assets? What income was available? What was the marital lifestyle? What had each spouse contributed during this long marriage? What were his wife's financial circumstances after spending approximately 15 years outside the workforce raising their children? And what parenting arrangement would actually work for those children? Those questions were considerably more useful than deciding who had behaved worse during the marriage.
We reviewed his finances and worked through his Case Information Statement. We looked at his retirement assets, income, expenses and the other financial issues that would have to be addressed. Most importantly, we began separating what he felt should happen from what New Jersey law and the facts of his case suggested might realistically happen.
Custody Wasn't About Punishing His Wife
He initially wanted to fight for custody because he was furious with his wife. But having an affair doesn't automatically make someone an unfit parent. Custody is about the children.
Once he began looking at the situation from that perspective, the conversation changed. Instead of asking how he could take the children away from his wife, he began asking what parenting arrangement would actually be best for them.
That was a much more productive question. The parents eventually participated in custody mediation and worked toward an arrangement for their children rather than turning their anger at each other into a custody war.
Then We Worked on the Money
The financial issues took negotiation. Settlement proposals went back and forth between the lawyers. The parties also participated in mediation to work through the economic issues.
Nobody simply "won." There were compromises. That's what settlement usually requires. But there is an enormous difference between compromising after you understand the finances, the law and your options and giving something away because someone threatened to "take you for everything you've got."
His wife didn't get everything. Neither did he. They ultimately reached an agreement that addressed their property, finances and children without requiring a trial.
The Divorce Didn't End the Way It Started
That's the part of this story I want you to remember. This divorce began with betrayal.
It began with screaming. It began with threats about taking everything, withholding money and fighting over the children. It could easily have become a long, expensive battle driven primarily by anger. It didn't. Eventually, the issues were resolved and the case became uncontested.
Some time later, he stopped in to say hello. He looked completely different from the man who had first come into my office. The anger that had consumed him was gone. His relationship with his children was strong. His finances were manageable. He had started dating again and was discovering that he actually enjoyed some aspects of his new life. "Life is good," he told me.
Don't Let the First Angry Conversation Define Your Divorce
People say extraordinary things when a marriage suddenly falls apart. "I'm taking everything." "You'll never see the kids." "I'm not paying you a dime." "I'm going to destroy you in court."
Those statements can be frightening, particularly when you're hearing them immediately after discovering an affair or realizing that your marriage is ending. But your spouse doesn't get to dictate the outcome simply by making the biggest threat. And neither do you.
Your divorce will ultimately be shaped by the facts, New Jersey law, the decisions you and your spouse make along the way and, if necessary, decisions made by the court. That's why one of the most useful things you can do early in a divorce is stop reacting to every threat and start learning what actually matters.
Understand your finances. Understand your rights and obligations. Think carefully about your children. Determine what you actually want your life to look like when the divorce is over. Then make decisions based on those goals rather than the anger you feel today.
If you're at the beginning of a divorce and everything feels uncertain, my free Divorce Smarter Course will help you understand the major issues before making important decisions.
Until next time,
Steve