Few things are more frightening for a parent than watching his or her relationship with a child begin to deteriorate during a divorce.
Sometimes there are legitimate reasons why a child becomes angry with or resistant to a parent. Other times, however, one parent may be deliberately or unintentionally interfering with the child's relationship with the other parent.
People commonly refer to this as parental alienation.
I've handled New Jersey custody cases where a parent believed the other parent was criticizing them to the children, interfering with parenting time, involving the children in adult disputes, or otherwise encouraging the children to reject them. These are serious allegations, and they need to be handled carefully.
Focus on the Behavior, Not the Label
The term "parental alienation" gets used frequently in high-conflict custody cases. But simply accusing your former spouse of parental alienation doesn't prove anything. What matters is what is actually happening.
Is the other parent repeatedly interfering with your scheduled parenting time? Is your child being encouraged to keep secrets from you? Is the other parent making inappropriate comments about you in front of the child? Is the child being drawn into litigation or told adult details about the divorce? Has your child's attitude toward you changed dramatically, and is there evidence explaining why? Those are the kinds of specific facts that matter much more than attaching a label to the situation.
There is also an important difference between a child being improperly influenced against a parent and a child resisting contact for legitimate reasons. A court has to consider the circumstances carefully rather than simply assuming that every strained parent-child relationship is the result of alienation.
Document What Is Actually Happening
If you believe the other parent is interfering with your relationship with your child, start paying attention to specific events rather than conclusions. Keep records of missed or denied parenting time. Save relevant emails and text messages. Document instances when court-ordered parenting time isn't followed. Keep track of significant changes in your child's behavior and the circumstances surrounding them.
Don't interrogate your child or try to build your case through your child. That can make an already difficult situation worse and potentially create the very type of pressure you're concerned about. The goal is to create an accurate record of what is happening so that your attorney and, if necessary, the court can evaluate the situation.
A Guardian ad Litem May Be Appointed
In some New Jersey custody and parenting-time cases, the court can appoint a guardian ad litem, commonly called a GAL, to represent the child's best interests.
A GAL doesn't replace the judge and doesn't decide who gets custody. The GAL serves the court on behalf of the child and may investigate the circumstances, speak with appropriate people, review relevant information, and ultimately provide the court with findings and recommendations.
This can be particularly useful in a complicated custody dispute where each parent is telling a completely different story about what is happening with the child. New Jersey courts can also separately appoint an attorney to represent a child when the court concludes that the child's interests aren't being sufficiently protected by the parents' attorneys.
A child's attorney and a guardian ad litem perform different roles, so the appropriate appointment depends upon the circumstances of the case.
The Court Can Address Interference With the Parent-Child Relationship
If the evidence shows that one parent is improperly interfering with the child's relationship with the other, the Family Court has options.
What happens depends heavily on the severity and circumstances. In different cases, the court may enforce an existing parenting-time order, require counseling or therapeutic intervention, appoint professionals to assist the court, modify aspects of parenting time or custody, or enter other orders intended to protect the child's best interests.
There isn't one automatic remedy for every case. That's particularly important because allegations of parental alienation can become extremely contentious. One parent may believe the other is intentionally destroying the relationship, while the other parent may argue that the child's resistance has an entirely different explanation. The court's job is to determine what is actually happening and what arrangement serves the child's best interests.
Don't Wait Until the Relationship Is Destroyed
If you believe your child's relationship with you is deteriorating because of the other parent's behavior, don't retaliate by criticizing the other parent or trying to convince your child that you're right. That puts the child directly in the middle.
Instead, document the specific conduct you're seeing and speak with an experienced New Jersey family law attorney about what is happening. These situations can become more difficult to repair the longer they continue, particularly when a child has become deeply involved in the parents' conflict.
The goal shouldn't be to "win" an alienation accusation against your former spouse. The goal should be to protect your relationship with your child and, whenever possible, allow that child to have a healthy relationship with both parents.
If you're dealing with parental alienation, custody, parenting time, or another difficult issue involving your children during a New Jersey divorce, my free Divorce Smarter Course explains the process in straightforward terms so you can better understand your options and make informed decisions about what comes next.
Until next time,
Steve