Years ago, I read an article about the effect divorce and parental conflict can have on children. One line in particular stayed with me. It described children being caught in adult disputes and placed in completely inappropriate roles: spy, messenger, judge, or witness.
I've practiced New Jersey divorce and family law for decades, and unfortunately, I've seen versions of all four.
Don't Turn Your Child Into a Messenger
Your child should not be responsible for communicating with your former spouse for you. Don't say, "Tell your mother I'll pick you up at six," or "Tell your father he still owes me money." If you need to communicate something to your former spouse, communicate it yourself.
The same applies to gathering information. Don't question your child about who was at the other parent's house, what the other parent bought, who they're dating, what they said about you, or anything else because you want information that may help you in your divorce or custody case. Your child is not your private investigator.
Don't Ask Your Child to Choose Sides
Sometimes parents put their children in the role of judge without even realizing what they're doing. "Ask Mary. She'll tell you what really happened." Or, "John knows his father is lying." Don't do that.
Children shouldn't have to determine which parent is right, which parent is wrong, or which parent's version of events should be believed. They also shouldn't feel responsible for deciding the outcome of an adult dispute. That can put enormous pressure on a child who may already be trying to adjust to parents living separately and a family structure that suddenly looks very different.
Be Careful About Making Your Child a Witness
There are circumstances in which a child's views or information involving a child can become relevant in a New Jersey custody case. But there is a tremendous difference between the court appropriately considering information involving a child and a parent deliberately coaching, pressuring, or preparing a child to take sides against the other parent. I've seen parents become so consumed by proving that they're right that they lose sight of what the fight is doing to their children.
In a New Jersey custody case, the court's focus is the best interests of the child. Among the factors considered are the parents' ability to agree, communicate, and cooperate regarding the child, the child's relationship with each parent, the child's needs, the stability of the home environment, and other circumstances affecting the child's welfare. Dragging your child deeper into the conflict is rarely the way to demonstrate that you're putting your child's interests first.
Keep the Divorce Between the Adults
You can be furious with your spouse. You can believe your spouse is being unreasonable. You can disagree about money, custody, parenting time, property, or almost everything else involved in your divorce. But your child shouldn't have to carry that conflict for you.
Don't use your child to deliver messages. Don't interrogate your child after parenting time. Don't ask your child to report on the other parent. Don't tell your child things about the divorce that he or she doesn't need to know, and don't try to recruit your child to your side of the case.
If you believe the other parent is involving your child in the divorce in an inappropriate or harmful way, talk to your attorney about what is happening and what options may be available. Don't retaliate by doing the same thing. One of the best things you can do for your children during a divorce is allow them to continue being children while the adults handle the adult problems.
If you're going through a divorce in New Jersey and want to better understand custody, parenting time, financial issues, and the decisions you'll face along the way, my free Divorce Smarter Course explains the process in straightforward terms so you can make informed decisions while protecting yourself and your family.
Until next time,
Steve