Not every married couple who decides to live apart is immediately ready to get divorced.
Sometimes one spouse needs space. Sometimes both spouses want to see what life apart looks like before making a permanent decision. And sometimes a couple may decide that they no longer want to live as husband and wife but, for personal, financial, religious, or other reasons, don't want to legally end the marriage.
So can you separate in New Jersey without getting divorced?
Yes. But you need to understand what that actually means.
Does New Jersey Have Legal Separation?
New Jersey doesn't have a standard "legal separation" process for married couples like some other states do.
You and your spouse can simply decide to live separately. You don't need a judge's permission to move into separate homes, and you don't have to immediately file for divorce simply because your marriage has broken down.
But living apart doesn't change the fact that you're still legally married. That's where things can become complicated.
What Happens if You Separate but Stay Married?
If you and your spouse separate without getting divorced, the marriage still legally exists.
That can matter financially and legally in ways that aren't always obvious when someone first moves out. There may be questions involving support, children, the marital home, debts, insurance, taxes, retirement benefits, and property acquired while you're still married.
If you have children, you'll also need to determine where they live, how parenting time works, and how their expenses are handled.
Some couples can work these issues out themselves. Others can't. That's why "we're just going to separate for a while" can be much simpler in theory than it becomes in practice.
Can You Make a Separation Agreement?
If you and your spouse intend to live separately, it may make sense to put your agreements in writing rather than relying on informal promises.
Depending upon your circumstances, an agreement can address issues such as who remains in the marital home, who pays particular bills, financial support, parenting arrangements, and other responsibilities while you're living apart.
The important thing is to think beyond what works this week or this month. If you're going to remain separated for a significant period of time, you need to understand how the decisions you're making now could affect you later.
What Is a Divorce From Bed and Board?
New Jersey also recognizes something called a divorce from bed and board.
Despite the name, this is not the same thing as an absolute divorce that completely ends the marriage. It is a formal matrimonial action that allows spouses to address many of the legal and financial issues associated with divorce while remaining legally married.
A divorce from bed and board requires both spouses to request or consent to that form of relief. The court can address issues such as alimony and distribution of marital property, but the parties remain married unless the judgment is later converted to an absolute divorce.
It's not the right choice for everyone, but it is an option that some couples should understand before deciding how to proceed.
Why Would Someone Stay Separated Instead of Divorcing?
People have many different reasons.
Years ago, I knew a married couple I'll call David and Christine. They had children together and eventually decided that they weren't very good at living together as husband and wife.
So they separated. But they didn't divorce.
What struck me was that they seemed to remain friends and continued working together and parenting their children. I never knew the details of their financial arrangements or what disagreements they may have had privately, but from the outside, they had found a way to live separate lives without turning the end of their marriage into a war.
Their situation always stayed with me because it was a reminder that there isn't only one way for a marriage to change. But what worked for David and Christine won't necessarily work for another couple.
Separation Can Create Financial Questions
One of the biggest mistakes you can make is assuming that living separately means your financial lives are automatically separate too.
If you're considering a long-term separation, you should understand what happens with your income, debts, property, retirement accounts, support obligations, and other financial issues while you remain married.
The longer the separation lasts, the more important those questions can become.
That's particularly true if one spouse earns substantially more than the other, one spouse continues paying most of the household expenses, or either spouse begins acquiring significant assets after the separation.
What About Your Children?
If you have children, separation also means figuring out what their lives are going to look like. Where will they live? When will they see each parent? Who makes major decisions? How will expenses be divided? What happens on holidays?
You don't necessarily need to fight over those questions in court. Parents who can cooperate may be able to reach their own arrangements. But children usually benefit from predictability, and vague arrangements can become a source of conflict later.
Separation Doesn't Have to Become Divorce
Separating doesn't mean you have to decide today whether you'll eventually divorce. Some couples reconcile. Some remain separated for a long time. Others eventually decide that divorce is the better long-term solution.
The important thing is not to confuse postponing the divorce decision with postponing every legal and financial decision that comes with living apart.
If you're considering separation, understand your options before making major decisions about your home, children, money, or property. And if separation ultimately leads you toward divorce, my free Divorce Smarter Course explains the New Jersey divorce process and the decisions you'll face along the way.
Until next time,
Steve