"Why won't the other side negotiate?" I've heard that question many times over the years.
One client, whom I'll call Barbara, was particularly frustrated. We had prepared a settlement proposal and sent it to her husband's attorney. We tried to arrange a four-way conference so everyone could sit down and begin talking seriously about settlement.
Nothing. Weeks went by without meaningful progress.
Barbara couldn't understand it. She was ready to negotiate. She wanted the divorce behind her. Why wouldn't her husband and his attorney simply sit down and start working toward a resolution?
Unfortunately, wanting to settle your divorce doesn't mean your spouse is ready to do the same.
You Can't Force Someone to Negotiate
Divorcing spouses are rarely in exactly the same emotional place at exactly the same time. One person may have spent months thinking about the divorce before ever filing. The other may still be angry, shocked, distracted, or simply unwilling to deal with it.
Sometimes one spouse has already moved on with his or her life and doesn't feel any urgency to finish the legal process. Sometimes delaying the divorce feels financially or strategically advantageous. Sometimes a spouse believes that refusing to engage gives him or her control.
And sometimes there isn't a grand strategy at all. The person simply doesn't want to deal with the divorce.
Whatever the reason, that can be incredibly frustrating for the spouse who is ready to move forward.
A Settlement Proposal Doesn't Require an Immediate Agreement
Sending a settlement proposal is the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one. You shouldn't expect the other side to agree with everything in your proposal. In fact, I'd be surprised if they did.
There may be legitimate disagreements about the house, alimony, retirement assets, debts, custody, parenting time, child support, or any number of other issues. The other attorney may identify something we hadn't considered or propose a completely different way of resolving an issue.
That's negotiation. The frustrating part is when you can't even get that process started.
What Happens When the Other Side Won't Respond?
Fortunately, your divorce doesn't depend entirely upon your spouse voluntarily deciding that today is a good day to negotiate.
New Jersey divorce cases have a court-managed process designed to keep cases moving. Depending upon the issues in the case, that process can include discovery, Case Management Conferences, custody-related proceedings, the Early Settlement Panel program, economic mediation, and ultimately trial if the parties simply cannot reach an agreement.
An Early Settlement Panel, commonly called an ESP, is specifically designed to help divorcing spouses resolve their financial disputes. The parties and their attorneys present their positions to experienced matrimonial attorneys who serve as panelists and make recommendations about how the financial issues might reasonably be settled.
Sometimes having a court date on the calendar changes things.
A spouse who ignored settlement discussions for months may suddenly become considerably more interested in negotiating when the case reaches an ESP, mediation, or another point in the court process where decisions need to be made.
Don't Confuse Delay With Defeat
This is one of the hardest things for the person who wants the divorce finished.
You may be doing everything you're supposed to do. You've provided your financial documents. You've reviewed the assets. You've made a reasonable proposal. You've told your attorney you're willing to negotiate. And still, nothing seems to happen.
That doesn't necessarily mean you're doing something wrong.
You control your preparation and your decisions. You don't control when your spouse becomes emotionally or strategically ready to negotiate. What you can do is make sure that you're prepared when the opportunity finally comes.
Be Ready When Negotiations Begin
If the other side has been delaying, use that time productively.
Understand your finances. Know what assets and debts exist. Think carefully about which issues matter most to you and where you're willing to compromise. Understand what a realistic settlement might look like.
That way, when the other side finally does engage, you're not starting from scratch. And if meaningful negotiations never happen, the court process continues. At some point, unresolved issues have to be addressed.
The important thing is not to allow someone else's unwillingness to negotiate to pressure you into accepting a bad agreement simply because you're exhausted and want the divorce over.
Patience can be difficult in a divorce, particularly when you feel like the other side is wasting your time. But being patient doesn't mean being passive. It means continuing to prepare, continuing to move the case forward, and being ready to negotiate intelligently when the opportunity comes.
If you're considering divorce in New Jersey and want to understand settlement, negotiation, mediation, and the other stages your case may go through, my free Divorce Smarter Course explains the process so you can better understand what to expect.
Until next time,
Steve