What does it feel like when your divorce is finally over? Kind of like the first warm day after a bad winter. I've always loved that comparison.
Everybody has a place where they do their best thinking. For me, it has always been the beach. There's something about the salt air, the sand and the ocean that clears my head. After a long New Jersey winter, that first warm day at the beach feels particularly good.
You remember that winter eventually ends. Divorce can feel a lot like winter.
When You're in It, It Can Feel Like It Will Never End
When you're going through a divorce, it's easy for the case to take over your life.
There are meetings with lawyers, financial documents to gather, decisions to make and negotiations with your spouse. If you have children, you're also trying to figure out what their lives are going to look like when the divorce is over.
And you're doing all of this while continuing to work, pay bills, raise your children and live your regular life.
I've had many clients tell me some version of the same thing: "Steve, I just want this to be over." Not because they don't care about the outcome. They do. But at some point, many people realize that there is a difference between reaching a resolution they can live with and fighting indefinitely over every last issue.
A Fair Resolution Can Mean Something Important
There are issues worth fighting about. And you shouldn't agree to something you don't understand simply because you're tired of being divorced. But there can also be a cost to continuing a fight.
Legal fees are one part of it. Time is another. So is the mental energy you spend thinking about your divorce every day. That's why I encourage clients to think not only about what they want from the settlement, but also about what they're trying to accomplish with their lives.
Sometimes the question isn't: "Can I keep fighting for more?" It's: "Is continuing this fight worth what it's going to cost me?"
Those are two very different questions.
Then One Day, It's Over
Eventually, the agreement gets signed or the remaining issues are decided. The Final Judgment of Divorce is entered. You walk out of the courthouse, close your computer or leave your lawyer's office and realize something: You're not going through a divorce anymore. You're divorced.
Your life isn't suddenly perfect. You may still have financial obligations. If you have children, you'll still be co-parenting with your former spouse. There may be things about the end of your marriage that remain difficult for a long time.
But the uncertainty of the divorce itself is finally behind you. You know where you stand. You can begin planning your life around what is, rather than wondering what might happen. And for many people, that's an enormous relief.
Winter Eventually Ends
That's what I think about when I'm sitting at the beach on that first warm day of the year. A few months earlier, everything was cold, gray and miserable. Then suddenly you're sitting near the ocean with the sun on your face wondering why winter felt like it lasted forever.
Divorce can feel that way, too.
When you're in the middle of it, it can be difficult to imagine your life on the other side. But there is another side. And eventually, you get there.
If you're still in the middle of your divorce and trying to understand what comes next, my free Divorce Smarter Course can help you understand the process and the decisions you'll face along the way.
Until next time,
Steve