So...you are about to divorce a narcissist.
Hold onto your horses!
I'm curious about how many of the following 10 traits of the "typical" divorcing narcissist you expect to encounter while divorcing your narcissistic spouse.
I've plugged in some ideas for how to best combat some of these traits in your divorce case here in New Jersey should the need arise.
Let's take a look...
1. CONTROL
Is your spouse a "control freak"?
Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be tough due to their controlling tactics during the process.
These tactics can be financial, emotional, legal, or parental.
Here are some tips to combat each type of control:
Financial Control: To protect yourself from your narcissistic spouse's efforts to control you financially, you can ask the Judge to freeze joint assets, you should document everything, you must hire a good divorce attorney, you should ask your attorney about closing joint accounts, and you must do all that you can to protect your credit rating.
Emotional Control: Set boundaries, seek support from a therapist who understands narcissistic personality disorder, focus on self-care, document everything, stay informed, and hire a divorce attorney who understands what it is like for a client to divorce a narcissistic spouse.
Legal Control: Keep good records, be prepared, avoid provocation, stay calm and focused, and be sure to always follow court orders.
Parental Control: Understand your legal rights, keep detailed records, communicate effectively, establish boundaries, seek support, and prioritize your children's best interests.
2. LACK OF EMPATHY
Does your spouse lack empathy with you and with others?
Having a narcissistic spouse can make negotiating difficult due to their limited empathy for your feelings and needs.
They may dismiss your emotions, blame you for everything, minimize your experiences, ignore your boundaries, prioritize their own needs, fail to acknowledge the impact on children, and show no remorse for their behavior.
However, there are ways for you to negotiate and maintain your own well-being:
- Recognize the narcissistic behavior and detach emotionally.
- Set clear boundaries and communicate them assertively.
- Focus on the bigger picture and prioritize what is important.
- Be strategic and patient, adapting plans as necessary.
- Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.
It is essential to remember that you cannot change the narcissist's behavior, but you CAN change your own response to it.
By implementing these strategies, you can negotiate with the narcissist and maintain your own emotional well-being.
3. MANIPULATION
Is your spouse manipulative?
Narcissists use various tactics to manipulate others, such as charm, flattery, guilt, and intimidation.
During divorce, a narcissistic spouse may use these tactics to get what they want.
Examples include gaslighting to make the other person doubt themselves, blaming the other person for everything, triangulating by involving others to create drama, using threats to intimidate, portraying themselves as the victim to gain sympathy, emotional blackmail, and financial manipulation.
Dealing with a narcissistic spouse during a divorce can be challenging, but there are effective strategies to counteract their manipulative tactics.
First, educating oneself on narcissism and its tactics is crucial to understanding and protecting oneself from their influence.
Second, establishing clear and consistent boundaries, limiting communication, and avoiding face-to-face interactions can help to regain control.
Third, avoiding engagement in their drama and remaining calm and rational can minimize their influence.
Finally, protecting oneself financially by consulting with a financial advisor or attorney can ensure financial rights are protected.
By implementing these strategies, the spouse can minimize the impact of the narcissist's manipulative tactics and regain their power and control.
4. BLAME-SHIFTING
Does your spouse tend to blame YOU for his/her problems?
Narcissistic spouses often refuse to take responsibility for their actions and blame others for their problems.
During a divorce, blame-shifting is a common tactic that narcissists may use.
Examples include blaming their spouse for all of the marriage problems, downplaying their own behavior, denying responsibility, blaming others, portraying themselves as the victim, and using the children as pawns.
5. GASLIGHTING
Does your spouse "gaslight" you?
Gaslighting is a dangerous tactic used by narcissistic spouses during a divorce, which leaves the victim feeling confused and unable to trust their own judgment.
Narcissists use various forms of gaslighting to manipulate their partners and gain an advantage in court proceedings.
They deny reality, twist the truth, dismiss their partner's emotions, make them doubt their sanity, and use others to validate their perspective.
Victims must recognize these tactics and seek help from experienced professionals.
6. GRANDIOSITY
Does your spouse feel very special?
Narcissists in divorce cases demand special treatment and believe that they are entitled to more than their fair share of assets.
They may display grandiose behavior, including bragging about their accomplishments and belittling their spouse's achievements.
They may exaggerate their importance, make unrealistic demands, and refuse to compromise.
Narcissists may blame their spouse for the breakdown of the marriage and portray themselves as victims.
They may use the legal system to intimidate their spouse and disregard their children's needs, putting their own desires first.
7. ENTITLEMENT.
Does your spouse feel entitled?
Narcissists often feel entitled to special treatment.
This sense of entitlement can be especially evident during a divorce.
Here are some examples of entitlement that may be displayed by a narcissist during a divorce:
- Believing they deserve special treatment: Narcissists may think they should receive more assets or custody of the children simply because they believe they are entitled to it.
- Refusing to compromise: Narcissists may refuse to compromise during the divorce process, believing they should get everything they want.
- Demanding attention and praise: Narcissists may expect their spouse to continue to meet their emotional needs, even if they initiated the divorce.
- Feeling superior to others: Narcissists may believe their opinion is the only one that matters and refuse to listen to others' perspectives.
- Expecting others to cater to their needs: Narcissists may become angry or vindictive if their demands are not met or if they feel they are not getting the attention or respect they deserve
8. ARROGANCE
Is your spouse arrogant?
Narcissists are known for their sense of superiority, which can make communication with them difficult. This trait is particularly apparent during a divorce, where narcissists may exhibit various forms of arrogance.
For example, they may belittle their spouse by criticizing their parenting abilities, career, or appearance.
They may also refuse to take responsibility for their actions that led to the divorce, instead blaming their spouse or external factors.
Narcissists may also refuse to compromise during the divorce proceedings, insisting on getting everything they want, even if it prolongs the proceedings and causes more stress and expense.
Additionally, they may act superior to others involved in the divorce process, such as lawyers, judges, or mediators, believing that their opinion is the only one that matters.
Finally, narcissists may boast about their achievements during the divorce process, attempting to prove their superiority over their spouse. They may exaggerate their accomplishments or downplay their spouse's contributions to the marriage.
9. LACK OF BOUNDARIES
How about boundaries?
Narcissists struggle with respecting boundaries and may violate privacy or personal space, especially during a divorce.
Examples of lack of boundaries include inappropriate communication, invading privacy, refusing to respect boundaries, trying to control their spouse's life, and using their children as pawns.
10. EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY
Finally, can your spouse be emotionally unstable?
Narcissists may have intense emotional reactions and become irrational or volatile when negotiating with them.
During a divorce, narcissists may exhibit emotional instability, such as explosive anger, extreme mood swings, depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behavior.
This is due to their inability to handle the loss of control and disruption of their idealized self-image.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Divorcing a narcissistic spouse is a challenging and emotionally draining experience.
But recognizing their controlling tactics, lack of empathy, manipulation, blame-shifting, gaslighting, grandiosity, and entitlement can help to protect you from their toxic behavior during your divorce process.
By establishing clear boundaries, seeking support, documenting everything, and hiring a good divorce attorney, you can fight back and obtain a fair outcome in your case
THERE'S A LOT MORE FREE HELP WHERE THIS ARTICLE CAME FROM
If you are considering filing for divorce from a narcissist in New Jersey, the most important thing for you to do is to learn how to protect yourself, your children, and your assets.
I'll show you how you can do it.
I've been a divorce specialist in New Jersey for 36 years, and I've successfully represented many people against narcissistic spouses.
I "get it" and I'm here to help.
My free NJ DIVORCE EDGE 2023 course will teach you how to turn your situation around to your advantage.
You really should check it out.
Until next time,
Steve
Steven J. Kaplan, Esq.
Specializing In Divorce
Throughout New Jersey
5 Professional Circle
Colts Neck, NJ. 07722
www.KaplanDivorce.com
(732) 845-9010
