Divorcing A Narcissist (Or Other High-Conflict Spouse)

Steven J. Kaplan, Esq.

Published on April 11, 2025 | 3 minute read

So... you are about to divorce your narcissistic husband or wife.

Here are 10 things that you might encounter while divorcing a narcissist — and practical ways to protect yourself during your New Jersey divorce.

Let's take a look...

1. CONTROL

Is your spouse a “control freak”?

When you’re divorcing a narcissist, control is often their number-one weapon. They’ll try to dominate the process — financially, emotionally, legally, or through the kids.

If your spouse is employing:

Financial Control: Ask the judge to freeze joint assets, document everything, close joint accounts fairly, and safeguard your credit.
Emotional Control: Set boundaries, get therapy support, focus on self-care, and work with an attorney who understands narcissistic dynamics.
Legal Control: Keep records, stay calm, be prepared, and follow court orders strictly.
Parental Control: Know your legal rights, document everything, and always prioritize the children’s best interests.

2. LACK OF EMPATHY

When divorcing a narcissist, empathy will not be part of the equation.

They minimize your feelings, shift blame, and put their needs first — every single time.

Recognize their lack of empathy and detach emotionally.
Set clear boundaries.
Focus on long-term goals, not short-term battles.
Be strategic and patient.
Lean on supportive friends, family, or a therapist.

3. MANIPULATION

Manipulation is the hallmark of a narcissistic divorce.

Your spouse may use charm, guilt, flattery, threats, or victim-playing to get what they want.

To protect yourself while divorcing a narcissist:

Learn about narcissistic manipulation tactics.
Limit communication and set firm boundaries.
Stay calm and avoid emotional reactions.
Protect your financial interests with solid legal guidance.

4. BLAME-SHIFTING

When you’re divorcing a narcissist, expect endless blame. They rarely take responsibility for anything — even when caught red-handed.

You might hear:

“You made me do it.”
“You’re the problem.”
“I’m only reacting to you.”

What you can do:

Don’t defend yourself emotionally. Let your lawyer handle the legal response.
Keep records of conversations and incidents.
Stick to facts and avoid heated exchanges.
Judges respect calm, rational communication — and they see through finger-pointing.

5. GASLIGHTING

Gaslighting is one of the most damaging parts of divorcing a narcissist.

They’ll twist reality until you start questioning your own sanity.

Stay grounded by:

Keeping written evidence of everything.
Trusting your documentation, not their words.
Speaking regularly with professionals who can validate your perspective.
Using email or parenting apps instead of verbal exchanges when possible.

6. GRANDIOSITY

A narcissist’s inflated ego often peaks during divorce.

They truly believe they’re smarter, more deserving, and more capable — and they’ll expect the court to agree.

To level the playing field while divorcing a narcissist:

Base every claim on hard evidence — not emotion.
Use experts (appraisers, accountants, custody evaluators) to back up your case.
Let their arrogance work against them; courts respond to facts, not theatrics.
Keep your confidence quiet but firm.

7. ENTITLEMENT

Narcissists see divorce as a stage to demand more — more assets, attention, or control.

They’ll act like fairness doesn’t apply to them.

When divorcing a narcissist:

Stick to what New Jersey law says is fair.
Don’t let emotion dictate negotiation.
Keep boundaries firm and decisions data-driven.
Let your attorney handle threats, ultimatums, or tantrums.

8. ARROGANCE

Arrogance is a defining trait of narcissists — and it shows up in every email, text, and courtroom exchange.

If you’re divorcing a narcissist:

Stay composed. Arrogance collapses when it meets calm professionalism.
Don’t try to “win” arguments. Let them talk themselves into a corner.
Judges recognize arrogance quickly — you don’t have to prove it.
Keep your dignity intact; that’s your power.

9. LACK OF BOUNDARIES

While divorcing a narcissist, boundaries can feel impossible.

They may invade your privacy, read your messages, or involve the kids inappropriately.

How to regain control:

Change passwords and secure accounts.
Keep all communication in writing.
If they cross the line, let your attorney know immediately.
Request clear custody and parenting-time orders to prevent overreach.

10. EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY

Divorcing a narcissist often means living through constant emotional chaos.

They can shift from rage to tears in minutes — not out of love, but out of fear of losing control.

To protect your peace:

Don’t react emotionally.
Limit interaction, especially when tensions rise.
Focus on steady progress, not their mood swings.
Remember: their volatility is part of the pattern, not your responsibility.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Fixed Steven Portrait-2 Divorcing a narcissist is challenging and draining.

Recognize their tactics: control, lack of empathy, manipulation, gaslighting, and more. Use strategies to protect yourself and your family.

Establish clear boundaries, get support, document everything, and hire a skilled divorce attorney.

THERE'S A LOT MORE FREE HELP WHERE THIS ARTICLE CAME FROM

If you're considering divorce from a narcissistic spouse in New Jersey, the most important thing is learning how to protect yourself, your kids, and your assets.

I've specialized in NJ divorce law for 37 years and have successfully represented many clients against narcissistic spouses.

My free course will teach you how to turn your situation around.

Until next time,

Steve