Many years ago, we had a wonderful New Jersey Divorce Court judge who loved his job and genuinely cared about helping people through the divorce process.
During lunch, you could find him walking the courthouse hallways and looking into settlement rooms for couples and their lawyers who might be stuck on a particular issue. He would offer words of wisdom and guidance, hoping to help them bring their divorce matters to a faster and fairer conclusion.
A Judge Who Wanted People to Settle
This judge was also known for giving lengthy sermons from the bench each morning. His goal was to create an atmosphere where fighting spouses could put their differences aside, think about their families, and use their time in court to try to reach a settlement.
People would bring all kinds of questions to him. He would do his best to explain what he thought they should do and, when appropriate, what might happen if they couldn't resolve the issue themselves and instead left the decision to a judge.
One question came up frequently:
"Judge, do you think this settlement is fair?"
He would consider what both sides had to say and give his opinion about whether the proposed agreement seemed fair or whether there were other considerations the parties should think about.
But ultimately, he had a much more interesting test for whether two people had handled their divorce the right way.
Could You Dance Together at Your Child's Wedding?
He would tell divorcing couples to think years into the future, when their children might be getting married.
Would they be able to dance together at their child's wedding?
That metaphor has stayed with me throughout the decades that I've practiced New Jersey family law.
It wasn't really about dancing, of course.
It was about whether two people could get through a divorce fairly, maintain an appropriate relationship while co-parenting their children, and avoid creating unnecessary stress and conflict for themselves and their family.
Divorce Doesn't Have to Destroy Your Family
Divorce ends a marriage. It doesn't necessarily end the relationship between two people who share children.
You may still have graduations, birthdays, holidays, weddings, grandchildren, and countless other family events ahead of you. The decisions you make during your New Jersey divorce can affect those relationships for many years after your case is over.
That doesn't mean you should agree to an unfair divorce settlement just to keep the peace. You still need to protect yourself, your children, and your financial future.
But there is a difference between protecting yourself and fighting simply for the sake of fighting.
A Lesson I've Never Forgotten
I still use that judge's metaphor with my divorce clients today.
When you're in the middle of a difficult divorce, it can be hard to think beyond the immediate disagreement. But sometimes it's worth asking yourself what you want your family to look like five, ten, or twenty years from now.
When your child's wedding day comes, will you and your former spouse be able to put everything else aside and share that moment?
I think that wonderful judge was onto something.
Until next time,
Steve