Most people understand that divorce is an emotional and unsettling experience. What many people don't understand is just how difficult it can be, even for experienced Family Court judges and divorce lawyers who deal with these issues every day.
Early in my career, I remember being in chambers with a Family Court judge when another judge came in.
As I stood to leave, the second judge said, "No, Steve, stay. I want you to hear this, too."
He turned to the other judge and said, "Bob, you know, you and I are Family Court judges. Every day we put on our black robes and go out into our courtrooms and listen to people say the damnedest things. We go back into our private chambers and sometimes snicker about some of the crazy things people say and do to each other."
Then he told us something neither of us knew.
"Bob, there is something that I haven't told you. My wife and I are having problems. We are headed for a separation and perhaps divorce after that. And last night we found ourselves arguing over who is going to get to keep the loveseat in the living room!"
He concluded by saying something that I've remembered ever since:
"Bob, we have no idea what these people are going through until we go through it ourselves."
Divorce Can Affect Anyone
I've seen the same thing happen with experienced matrimonial lawyers who have gone through their own divorces. Some have even done serious damage to their professional reputations before the Court because of the way they behaved when they became Family Court litigants themselves.
Why? Because divorce is very hard.
Even seasoned Family Court judges and experienced New Jersey divorce lawyers who think they have "heard it all" don't necessarily understand the emotional devastation of divorce until they experience it personally.
Knowing the law doesn't make you immune to the anger, fear, uncertainty, and stress that can come with ending a marriage.
Why Divorce Can Become So Emotional
When you're going through a divorce, arguments aren't always really about what they appear to be about.
Sometimes the argument is about the house. Sometimes it's about money. Sometimes it's about who gets a particular piece of furniture.
Sometimes it's about the loveseat.
But underneath those arguments may be years of hurt, resentment, fear, uncertainty, and the realization that your life is about to change significantly.
That doesn't mean you should allow your emotions to control your decisions. In fact, quite the opposite.
How Can You Make Your NJ Divorce Easier?
If you're going through a divorce in New Jersey and it feels like one of the most difficult things you've ever experienced, understand that you're not alone.
Try not to make important decisions when you're angry. Give yourself time to think before responding to your spouse, an email, a text message, or a new problem that comes up.
Whenever possible, try to remain on good speaking terms with your spouse. That isn't always possible, of course. But unnecessary conflict usually makes an already difficult divorce even harder and more expensive.
And remember that your spouse and your children may also be going through a difficult and life-changing experience. Your children, in particular, should not be put in the middle of disputes between their parents.
Don't Let Emotion Control Your Divorce
One of the most important things you can do is separate the emotional side of your divorce from the legal and financial decisions you need to make.
You don't have to "win" every argument. You don't have to respond to every provocation. And you certainly don't want a moment of anger to create a problem that follows you into a New Jersey Family Court.
Make sure you're being guided by a very good divorce lawyer who can help you recognize when emotion is getting in the way of good decision-making.
I've watched judges, lawyers, and countless other people learn the same lesson:
It's very easy to look at someone else's divorce and wonder why they're behaving the way they are.
It's very different when it's your own life.
Until next time,
Steve