A very nice woman—I'll call her Susan—came to me recently, frightened out of her mind.
About an hour earlier, she received an email from her husband’s lawyer.
It said her divorce case was scheduled for trial in two days.
It gave her the courthouse address.
And then it told her something shocking:
She didn’t need to appear.
That is not how the system works.
After listening to her story, it became clear immediately:
She had not been properly served with divorce papers.
We fixed the problem. She was fine.
She calmed down.
And afterward, I realized something:
Most people going through divorce have no idea how the process is supposed to work.
So let me walk you through it—step by step.
Divorce Begins Long Before Court
People get married.
They’re happy.
Something changes.
They’re not.
Often, they try marriage counseling.
Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.
When it doesn’t, one spouse eventually speaks with a divorce lawyer.
When someone consults with me, I always discuss whether the marriage can be saved.
Sometimes it can. And when it does, that’s the best outcome.
But when it can’t, we move forward carefully and intelligently.
The First Step Most People Don’t Expect
In many cases, I don’t rush to court.
Instead, I start with a letter to the other spouse.
It typically says:
Your spouse has retained me.
They want to keep things civil.
Please have your attorney contact me so we can try to work this out.
This is intentional.
In my experience, how a case starts often shapes how it ends.
If things begin calmly, there is a much better chance of resolving the case without unnecessary conflict.
When There’s No Response
If we don’t hear back, I send a follow-up letter.
Most of the time, that gets a response.
If it doesn’t, then we have a decision to make:
Do we wait longer—or do we move forward with filing for divorce?
Filing for Divorce in New Jersey
If we proceed, I prepare a Complaint for Divorce.
In almost every case, we file based on irreconcilable differences.
Why?
Because it keeps things from getting unnecessarily ugly.
You don’t need to accuse your spouse of wrongdoing.
They don’t need to attack you in response.
And most important:
Judges generally don’t care about blame.
They care about two things:
Your children
And your finances
I’ve had clients come in wanting to “prove” adultery or wrongdoing.
Almost always, that just leads to more conflict, more legal fees, and no better outcome.
Service of the Divorce Papers
Once the complaint is filed, it must be formally served.
This is done by a professional process server.
Once your spouse is served, the clock starts.
They have 35 days to respond.
This step matters more than people realize.
If service is not done properly—as in Susan’s case—the entire process can be challenged.
What Happens If Your Spouse Does Nothing
If your spouse does not respond within 35 days, the court can enter default.
That means the case moves forward without their participation.
At that point, the court can schedule an uncontested hearing.
I then notify the other side:
Here is the court date.
Here is what we are asking the judge to decide.
If they still do nothing, the judge may make decisions based only on the evidence presented by one side.
I’ve seen this happen.
It is not a good position to be in.
What Usually Happens Instead
Most cases do not go that way.
More often, the other spouse hires a lawyer.
The attorneys communicate.
And we begin working toward a resolution.
In fact, the overwhelming majority of New Jersey divorce cases settle.
The Financial Disclosure Process
Both sides prepare what is called a Case Information Statement.
This is a detailed financial document.
Income, assets, debts, expenses.
Everything is put on the table.
This is where the real work begins.
In my experience, the accuracy and completeness of these documents can make or break a case.
Negotiation and Settlement
From there, we begin negotiating.
Sometimes through attorney discussions.
Sometimes through structured meetings.
Sometimes through mediation with a neutral third party.
Mediation is often very effective.
It helps keep discussions focused and productive.
Most cases resolve at this stage.
The Settlement Agreement
If a resolution is reached, we formalize it in a written agreement.
This document may be called:
- A Property Settlement Agreement
- A Matrimonial Settlement Agreement
- An Interspousal Agreement
Different names. Same function.
It sets out everything:
Custody
Parenting time
Support
Division of assets and debts
Once signed, we schedule a short, uncontested court hearing.
The judge reviews the agreement and finalizes the divorce.
If the Case Does Not Settle
If settlement is not possible, the case proceeds to trial.
At that point, a judge—or sometimes an arbitrator—makes all decisions.
Custody
Support
Assets
Debts
Everything.
And once that happens, control is no longer in your hands.
What Most People Get Wrong
In my experience, the biggest mistakes happen early.
People:
React emotionally
Take extreme positions
Make decisions without understanding the consequences
And those early decisions can shape the entire case.
Sometimes permanently.
What You Should Take Away From This
Most divorce cases follow a general path:
Initial communication
Filing
Service
Financial disclosure
Negotiation
Settlement or trial
But the outcome depends heavily on how you handle each step.
The process is not just legal.
It is strategic.
Where You Are Right Now Matters
If you are at the beginning of this process—or even just thinking about it—you are in the most important phase.
This is where smart decisions make the biggest difference.
This is where mistakes can be avoided.
Want a Clear, Practical Understanding of What to Do Next?
If you want to understand how to approach your divorce intelligently—before making costly mistakes—start here:
This article gives you the framework.
The course shows you how to apply it.
