I'm Colts Neck, NJ divorce lawyer Steve Kaplan, and I understand the stressors that divorcing a narcissistic spouse brings.
Every day for the past 35 years I've helped my clients here in Monmouth County & throughout New Jersey divorce their narcissistic spouses.
I'm going to share 10 ideas with you that will help you during your divorce from your narcissistic spouse.
You may not be a psychologist, but you know that if you are at this website, then you know that you are married to someone with narcissistic traits.
You are not happy.
You are probably at my site because you are fed up with the lies, the blame, the "gaslighting", the showiness, the controlling behavior, the abuse...all of it.
My guess is that you don't want to fight; you just want to be fair.
But...you're pretty sure that your spouse does not intend to be fair to you.
And so, I offer you my 10 Points to keep in mind when divorcing a narcissist:
First, over the years I have found that one of the most effective ways of dealing with a narcissistic spouse in a divorce case is to document everything.
They will lie without thinking about it.
But you have the ability to take photographs, keep notes, keep recordings, and keep other evidence.
So document every significant part of your life so that when a narcissist accuses you of things that are untrue or did not happen, you have the best shot at showing the judge that you are telling the truth and that the narcissist is lying.
It takes a lot of work but it is often time well-spent when divorcing a narcissist.
Second, a narcissistic spouse in a divorce case doesn't really "hear” what your concerns or what your thoughts are. All this person can think about is his or her needs and his or her feelings. This can be very frustrating when trying to work out a divorce resolution.
Therefore, when you are communicating with a narcissistic spouse, it is often more productive to communicate using neutral words and to keep your interactions brief.
Third, the narcissistic spouse in a divorce will twist and distorted and lie about your comments. Therefore you want to limit your communications with this person if they are behaving this way and only communicate when you have to.
When you do communicate, communicating in writing is preferable to having verbal communications. You can control your emotions better in writing and take your time in composing carefully worded communications to minimize the narcissist’s ability to twist your words and use them against you.
Fourth, narcissists tend to be control freaks and, in a divorce case, you need to be aware of this.
One tactic for dealing with a controlling narcissistic spouse in divorce is to be very clear and conscious of what your boundaries are and to make them clearly known to the narcissist.
Fifth, if you are divorcing a narcissist, you need to know that very often narcissistic spouses who end up in divorce court go out of their way to harm their spouse. They will study ways to make your life miserable.
Understanding this in advance can give you the emotional wherewithal to respond strongly and effectively.
Sixth, narcissists are great at putting on a “good face” for a judge.
They are difficult to combat in court often because they often appear believable to someone who doesn't know them well.
Like a judge.
So this is another area where meticulous documenting of facts can help you overcome the narcissist's lying with a "straight face."
Seventh, one of the most obvious indications of a narcissist is their flashiness. They are show-offs. They brag excessively. You probably find this behavior to be obnoxious. Keep in mind that so, too, will the Judge in all likelihood.
Eighth, narcissists tend to be disrespectful. They don't care about your feelings. They only care about their own feelings. They believe that they are better than you. They believe that they are better than anybody.
Ninth, narcissists are “know-it-alls”. They present themselves as knowing everything about everything. You can't tell them anything that they don't know the better answer to.
Tenth, if you are married to a narcissist, then you know that they tend to be soul-less people. They simply have no soul.
And the experts tell us that they cannot be "fixed" or "healed".
If this is true, then you need to be conscious of this and be aware that it is real so that you can protect yourself emotionally as you go through your divorce.
So if your spouse is a narcissist, it would be wise to learn how to protect yourself during your divorce from that person's anticipated destructive behavior toward you.
Do you want to move out and actually physically separate? Or is moving out going to hurt your child custody case?
Do you need money from your spouse for your needs during the divorce case? Or will your spouse be seeking money from you and if so, how do you protect yourself so that you, too, can survive?
Is your spouse abusing alcohol or drugs? And if so, how can you protect your kids?
Should you talk to a divorce lawyer? And if so, how do you know that the lawyer that is advising you is a very good one, one that is experienced in dealing with narcissists in divorce?
To help you answer these questions and many others, I've created a free resource that will get your questions answered honestly, quickly, and at no cost.
CLICK HERE to sign up to receive my "Daily Dose of Divorce" emails.
You will get your first resource called "Introduction To The New Jersey Divorce Process" immediately.
This article has already helped thousands of people understand the divorce process here in NJ, and their options.
It's a quick, 10 minute journey through the typical NJ divorce experience, with hyperlinks to dozens of other articles dealing with any topic that may interest you (including separation and "divorce from bed and board".)
You'll be getting my best observations over the past 35 years of doing nothing but vigorously representing divorcing people throughout New Jersey.
Reading that article will be the best use of your time for the next 10 minutes.
Until next time,
Steve
Steven J. Kaplan, Esq.
5 Professional Circle
Colts Neck, NJ. 07722
Specializing in N.J. Divorce
(732) 845-9010