10 POINTS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

A narcissistic spouse in a divorce case will lie without thinking about it.

But you have the ability to take photographs, keep notes, keep recordings, and keep other evidence.

So document every significant part of your life so that when your narcissistic spouse accuses you of things that are untrue or did not happen, you will be able to show the Judge that you are telling the truth and that the narcissist is lying.

It takes a lot of work but it is often time well-spent when divorcing a narcissist.

Second, a narcissistic spouse in a divorce case doesn't really "hear” what your concerns or what your thoughts are. All this person can think about is his or her needs and his or her feelings. This can be very frustrating when trying to work out a divorce resolution.

Therefore, when you are communicating with a narcissistic spouse, it is often more productive to communicate using neutral words, and to keep your interactions brief.

Third, the narcissistic spouse in a divorce will twist and distort and lie in response to anything of substance that you say. Therefore you want to limit your communications with this person if they are behaving this way and only communicate when you have to.

When you do communicate, communicating in writing is preferable to having verbal communications. You can control your emotions better in writing and take your time in composing carefully worded communications to minimize the narcissist’s ability to twist your words and use them against you.

Fourth, narcissistic spouses tend to be control freaks and, in a divorce case, you need to be aware of this. 

One tactic for dealing with a controlling narcissistic spouse in divorce is to be very clear and conscious of what your boundaries are and to make them clearly known to the narcissist.

Fifth, if you are divorcing a narcissist, you need to know that very often narcissistic spouses who end up in divorce court go out of their way to harm their spouse emotionally, economically, and in other ways. They will study ways to make your life miserable. 

Understanding this in advance can give you the emotional wherewithal to respond strongly and effectively. It is helpful in these situations to have a divorce lawyer who understands what it means to be married to and divorcing someone with narcissistic tendencies or someone who is actually a "narcissist".

Sixth, narcissists are great at putting on a “good show” for a Judge. They can be difficult to combat in court often because they often appear believable to someone who doesn't know them well.

Like a judge.

So this is another area where meticulous documenting of facts on your part and having a lawyer who is has some familiarity with how narcissists function can help you overcome the narcissist's lying with a "straight face."

Seventh, one of the most obvious traits of a narcissist is their flashiness. They are show-off’s. They brag excessively. You probably find this behavior to be obnoxious. Keep in mind that so, too, will the Judge in all likelihood.

Eighth, narcissists tend to be disrespectful to their spouses. They don't care about your feelings. They only care about their own feelings. They believe that they are better than you. They believe that they are better than anybody.

Ninth, narcissists are “know-it-alls”. They present themselves as knowing everything about everything. You can't tell them anything that they don't know the better answer to.

Tenth, if you are married to a narcissist, then you know that they tend to be soul-less people. They simply have no soul.

And the experts tell us that they cannot be "fixed" or "healed".

If this is true, then you need to be conscious of this and be aware that it is real so that you can protect yourself emotionally as you go through your divorce.

I GET IT.

I am Colts Neck, NJ divorce lawyer Steve Kaplan, and I understand the stressors that divorcing a narcissistic spouse brings.

Every day for the past 35 years I've helped my clients here in Monmouth County divorce their narcissistic spouses.

There are 3 more helpful resources available to you here on my website:

First, if you want to see how one of my former client's successfully navigated a divorce with a narcissistic spouse, CLICK HERE.

Second, if you would like to read one or more of the many brief articles that I have written to help you understand the NJ divorce process, CLICK HERE.

Third, and perhaps most useful to you, if you would like to sign up for my FREE "Daily Dose of Divorce" educational emails, then CLICK HERE. 

Or, if you would like, my paralegal, Valerie, will set up a divorce strategy session for you if you are are looking to discuss your options now. You can call her at (732) 845-9010.

In whatever way that works best for you, we're here to help.

Best regards,

Steve
Steven J. Kaplan, Esq.

5 Professional Circle
Colts Neck, NJ. 07722

Specializing in N.J. Divorce

(732) 845-9010